What Do You Need?

No Matter How Different We Seem, We Can Communicate Through The Language Of What We Share

What do Conservatives share with Liberals?

What do Blacks share with Whites?

Rural with urban?

Rich with poor?

You with me?

It’s not our desires or wants. It’s not values or groups. It’s not history, or perspective.

What we share are our common, basic, human needs.

While our culture and institutions emphasize our differences, we have the power to connect with others on the level of what is common between us, our most fundamental human driver — the drive to fulfill unmet needs.

What Exactly Are Needs?

Abraham Maslow (1908–1970) led groundbreaking studies on personality and human motivation, and his theories of self-actualization, peak-experience, and of course his famous Hierarchy of Needs have become part of our everyday language.

Today’s field of psychology, therapy, and the entire genre of self help rest on the foundation he helped build.

Maslow suggested that human needs can be understood in five tiers:

• Physiological (air, food, water)
• Safety (security, employment, health, property)
• Love and belonging (friendship, intimacy, connection)
• Esteem (respect, recognition, freedom), and
• Self-actualization (being the most you can be).

One common misunderstanding of the theory is that needs must be met at one level before moving on to the next level, but Maslow understood human complexity, and said that no need or drive can be treated as if it were isolated or discrete.

What is lesser known (and is more useful in improving our ability to communicate with people who are different from us) is his Theory of Human Motivation, published in 1943, which underlies the Hierarchy.

In this short book, Maslow tells us that (non-pathological) humans are “motivated by the fulfillment of our needs”, adding that, “people in different societies are much more alike than we would think.”

Needs are not wants. Here’s a list of common needs, for those interested in self-mastery and understanding people.

Knowing what we share with all humans holds many implications for the way we can communicate and interact with each other. We all, no matter who we are, what we look like, how we were raised, or where we are from, all seek the same thing — to fulfill unmet needs, all day, every day.

“Looking at behavior itself may give us the wrong impression,” Maslow said.

Here is a superpower to develop: Analyze people (and even yourself), by looking beyond thoughts, words, and actions to uncover unmet needs that drive choices and behavior.

If someone says, “Is it too much to return a phone call?” They may just lack the ability to say: “I really could use some support right now.”

“You’re always late!” may mean “I need more respect for my time.”

“You’re not listening!” could actually mean, “My need to be understood isn’t being met.”

There’s a word for being able to translate the words people use into what they really mean: empathy.

Understanding human interactions on the level of needs rather than judgements helps us see that what divides us is simply the strategies we use to meet those underlying, motivating, unmet needs.

Which brings us to the work of another psychologist, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who gave us a practical way to apply Maslow’s theories to real-world interactions with even the most difficult or different people.

Connecting on the Level of Needs

Rosenberg pioneered Nonviolent Communication, a framework for communicating based on what is “alive within us.”

How do we know what’s “alive” in us and others?

Our needs tell us exactly that. If our needs are being fulfilled, we feel pleasure. If our needs are not being fulfilled, we feel discomfort.

A statement like, “You put your work before our relationship!” focuses on the other person, and not what’s going on inside the speaker.

The speaker here is disconnected from their need for intimacy because they are analyzing and judging the others’ actions rather than analyzing what’s alive within themself.

When we express needs through judgements, evaluations, and non-specific language, it puts others on the defense. No one likes to feel judged.

A more constructive way to get one’s need for intimacy fulfilled would be to communicate on the level of needs: “When you work late every night, my need for intimacy isn’t being met.”

Thinking Gets In The Way

When people have needs they don’t know how to deal with directly, they approach them indirectly — through intellectual discussion, judgement, going silent, threatening, or even violence.

This is what psychologists mean when they say self-destructive behavior is a cry for help.

Behind even a defensive or threatening message is simply an appeal to get needs met.

Rosenberg tells the story of mediating between two warring tribes in Northern Nigeria. He asked them what needs of theirs aren’t being met.

One chief yelled across the table: “Those people are murderers!”

(This was not an expression of unmet needs, but an analysis of the other side’s actions.)

Rosenberg replied, Chief, when you say they are murderers, are you saying your need for safety isn’t being met?”

“Yes! That’s exactly what I’m saying!”

Through listening and questioning, and tremendous skill and patience, Rosenberg eventually helped the two sides translate their anger into expressions of needs, and one Chief later admitted, “If we could communicate like this, we wouldn’t kill each other.”

Unmet needs underlie all criticism, rejection, interpretations, diagnoses, judgements (of others and one’s self), and even praise.

Have you ever praised someone because you want to meet your need to nurture?

Stay In The Moment, Focus on Unmet Needs

When we are insulted, the natural response is to get defensive (“what a jerk”) or down on ourselves (“I screwed that up”).

The next time strong emotions arise in you, take a few calming breaths and ask what’s alive inside you, driving the emotions.

Ask what needs of your own aren’t being met.

Maybe you’re feeling a need for appreciation or recognition. Maybe you could find other ways to meet those needs.

Ask what needs of the other person aren’t being met.

If someone rejects a request, rather than sulk, do some silent empathy and analyze the “need behind the no.” Perhaps they aren’t feeling secure or accepted.

Rosenberg has said that “We can’t win at somebody else’s expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person’s needs are fulfilled as well as our own.”

This is a world-renowned Ph.D. clinical psychologist speaking, not a new age spiritual “guru.”

If we see behaviors as an attempt to meet needs, we can evolve to the realization that meeting your needs doesn’t have to come at the expense of meeting my own. But first, we must communicate.