Inimicus
Enemy
Enemy
En-e-my
Enemy
From the Latin
inimicus
in meaning not
and
amicus meaning friend
inimicus, not friend
inimicus
enemy
en-e-my
I didn’t know it until I was
8 or 9
that
I was born with a sworn enemy
Me?
Hard thing to wrap your head around
around
the age when caring about what people feel about you is automatic
around
the age when
paranoia and shame
kick in before hormones
and then the hormones only heighten it
and if you don’t get a grip on it, the next thing you know, you’re heading into your thirties with a chip on your shoulder and I’m getting ahead of myself
back to the enemy
the enemy
I met
when I was 8 or 9
the enemy
I thought was the little white boy who called me “Nigger” knowing whatever comeback I came back with would never be able to
Trump
his
This word that
somehow
was tailor made for me that fit more like a straight jacket than a brand new Easter suit
It wasn’t until I heard it again
and again and again and again
Not from the little white boy from before
but
in movies whenever a white character needed to put a black character in their place;
or
in jokes, like, did you ever hear the one about
the nigger that got killed in Vietnam? When the sergeant told him to
“get down”
he got up and started dancing;
But notably from the young lady’s father who asked “Is this a nigger or a white man?” when I called her house.
I replied, “Neither?” And left my name and number for her to call me back.
Sometime after my first encounter with police
but before the many times store managers would accuse me of shoplifting in Duane Reade or selling drugs in the bathroom at Fuel on 9th Ave
I came to realize the little white boy who called me
“Nigger”
was my enemy by default
Guilty by association
An ally of my enemy and thus my enemy
Oh
white supremacy has always been an enemy of mine
this system, ideology, way of life to keep me in my place.
The little white boy was only acting as an agent of it
A soldier following orders
Maybe just repeating something he’d heard his daddy say before
but
in that moment
he was choosing to be my
inimicus
In — not, amicus — friend
inimicus
enemy
I say choosing because he knew better
and so did all the other little white children that surrounded us
because around the age of 8 or 9 we all know what does and does not feel good but we’re still at an age when we test to see what we can and cannot get away with
and again
my enemy was a system
an ideology
a way of life that, when upheld,
held me down
and sometime around when I was 8 or 9
had slipped a self-hate roofy in my Kool-Aid
and for a while it let me think I was outwitting it
for my weapon of choice was to ignore it
Strap on my helmet of inattention
and breastplate of negligence
and do like most of the white people that surrounded me and
pretend
pretend
pretend
it didn’t exist
Treat it like a God that I didn’t believe in
while putting my faith in my ability to lurk within the shadows
Every pothole navigated
Every hoop jumped
Every bullet dodged
would be in the name of evading white supremacy
A dangerous game of freeze tag I couldn’t really afford to play because
unbeknownst to me
my enemy was winning
winning because I’d refused to take it on head on
winning because
I felt more comfortable trying to maneuver around it than combatting it
I thought I was a spy
but I was
a double agent
white supremacy’s ally
calling out “niggers” whenever I spotted them
unknowingly
hating myself every step of the way
because
if the friend of my enemy is my enemy
then my inimicus
my enemy
my en-e-my
was in me
in as in not
and
in as in inside
inimicus
enemy
in me
See
ever since I was 8 or 9
I tried to prove to white people that I wasn’t a nigger
I wasn’t that black boy, that black man
I wanted to feel free like white folks
I wanted to
fly
but
I was letting my self-hate pilot the plane
and everyone knows self hate loves a suicide mission
self hate rendered me a kamikaze pilot
wrapped in C4 with a grenade in hand with the pin pulled
just in case
because at the end of the day
I am not the only one who has to live with my choices.
When I remove God from my heart
and banish Him/Her/It to the sky
it’s easier to make alliances with
Racism
Sexism
Homophobia
Xenophobia
Ableism
and
Ageism
and wage war on all of humanity.
When I sacrifice
my better judgment for
systems, ideologies, and ways of life
or more commonly
for fear of looking like the odd man out
I find that I’ve made enemies in the most unlikely of places
mainly in the mirror
When self-reflection becomes too much to bear
and it’s easier to attack someone else’s
character
someone else’s
spirit
someone else’s
body
or watch from the sidelines as it happens to another
then the inimicus
the enemy
the e-ne-my
is
in me
and forgiveness becomes that much more expensive,
mercy becomes a vessel lost at sea, and
grace
becomes a fairytale we read about in ancient holy books.
Whether this planet be prison or paradise
Life is a birthright to be handled with care
and it should
always
have a
friend
in me.
© Daniel J. Watts
April 2, 2018