Twelve — Writing Prompt #3: Empathy

You, Child, Have Some Healing to Do — and so do I

I don’t spend much time around kids. Not that I don’t want to — I totally love kids (if they aren’t crying, pooping or being otherwise disorderly), I just don’t know that many people with children and if I do they hang out with other parents. I have, however, begun to notice in adults when they revert back to being child in a given situation. One of the most salient experiences of this is when I witness my mother interacting with certain family dynamics that surface for her what she calls “little Red” — her child-like self: insecure, emotional, marginalized. Because I’m an only child I have less complicated family dynamics to contend (that is, I don’t have a sibling that brings out child-like me) but I’ve seen it show up when I’m, say, home for the holidays and asked to help with the dishes…several times. It’s like middle school all over again!

I recently read a book called “The Emotionally Unavailable Man” by Pat Henry that was revelatory for me in so many ways. The basic premise of the book (being in the self-help genre) is that 2/3 is dedicated to providing Emotionally Unavailable Men (EUMs) with some insight into how they’ve arrived at a place where things such as empathy and pain are so difficult to access and how they might begin to address the disconnect between them and their emotional self. The final 1/3 is for women who are partnered with an EUM and are trying to figure out how to preserve that partnership given the complexity of their partner’s current emotional state. Both parties are supposed to read the entire book.

There were a few themes that were particularly resonate for me:

1. Men who are emotionally unavailable are usually that way because of the way in which toxic masculinity coalesces with some emotion stunting trauma/dynamic in their formative years which generates a deficit in their ability to respond to emotions in an adult manner. How does this show up? When faced with emotional discomfort (intimacy, feelings of inadequacy, someone asking them for emotional support) they revert to child-like behavior (read: impulsive, avoidant, over-reactive) like lying, shutting down, running away, raging, creating new narratives to cope with an uncomfortable reality. All things I’ve witnessed in partners.

2. (Almost) Everybody longs for connection. But because of an inability to authentically connect, EUMs usually rush into relationships full force cultivating a certain false intimacy (seeing each other a lot, hinging much of a connection on their ability to provide sexual pleasure, pushing for conversations about topics prematurely) because they want it so deeply but cannot pace themselves so they don’t allow it to organically develop and when real closeness, vulnerability or minimal accountability/expectations set in it feels overwhelming or stifling and they pull back, distance, run away, create an entirely new narrative for what has transpired thus far (for example: diminishing a connection by minimizing what’s been done, discussed, shared) etc. leaving the subject of their advances completely disoriented.

…when real closeness, vulnerability or minimal accountability/expectations set in it feels overwhelming or stifling and they pull back, distance, run away…

3. Early childhood experiences shape our ability to arrive fully in our emotions even in ways you might not think. Even if you have a somewhat idealized childhood there are ways in which we are impacted by our upbringing. If your parents never freely expressed their emotions in front of you (never yelled, never argued, never let themselves cry, etc.) you can develop discomfort with really any expression of emotion. There’s also something she discusses called the “Golden Boy” effect wherein your parents pour an enormous amount of attention into you because you excel at something (maybe sports or an instrument) and because you are so afraid of disappointing them you learn to keep up a facade of perfection. You carry that into adulthood wherein you’re terrified a lover will eventually find out you’re not as good as you seem and they will leave you — so you leave them first. A lot of self-sabotaging behavior is rooted in the desire to avoid the pain of rejection or disappointing someone that you’d rather proactively dismantle a connection than allow them the opportunity to see past your facade. At the root of much of this are deeply rooted insecurities, also often developed early on and usually not conscious, that make EUMs question their worthiness to be loved fully often saying things like “You’re too good for me” or “Don’t you want someone who can provide…”

…you’re terrified a lover will eventually find out you’re not as good as you seem and they will leave you — so you leave them first.

4. Even as a woman, if you’ve matured past “hurricaning” we still generate situations that don’t create space for men to feel safe, heard and empowered. I counted it as a big success when I matured past screaming, yelling and throwing things in conflict with partners (i.e. Hurricaning). I’ve been high and mighty on my horse of “I like open, timely, dialogue about conflict in a calm and rational manner.” The reality is, you don’t have to be yelling at someone to silence them. An onslaught of too much talking about the same topic, repeating what you’ve said a million times, asking questions that don’t move towards a solution, not providing clear boundaries or instructions about what you need from someone. All of this is hurricaning and it often drives EUMs to shut down, run away, avoid conflict, respond aggressively or passive aggressively, etc. They may say “I can’t do this.” And at the root of that is that they literally cannot access the emotional capacity to solve the problem. They say “I can’t” and we often hear “I won’t” or “I don’t want to.” This leaves us at an impasse and we keep pushing for resolution.

5. An EUM is not necessarily at fault for the way he’s been disconnected from his emotional self, AND, he is also responsible for the choices he makes. This was a big one. This was really a call to action to allow men to both recognize the challenge, not feel guilty about it but also demand they rise to the occasion and make adult choices and not revert to child behavior. You can both be a product of your environment and you must actively participate in your own healing. Knowing you’re dealing with this does not give you free range to damage people because you just can’t help it — you have to cultivate introspection and empathy when connecting with people or you will leave a trail of broken-hearted girls in your wake.

6. We attract to us those at our same level of emotional availability. My mom is a psychologist and she’s been telling me for years that my childhood experiences of my inconsistently available father have shaped me — I usually call bullshit. What I will concede is that some of those earlier experiences coupled with many, many experiences with men I’ve dated have resulted in a number of coping mechanisms that don’t serve me. I think about all the long-distance relationships I’ve had, relationships with people who are younger because clearly that won’t turn into anything, a two-year relationship with someone who was older, established and totally never gonna marry me or have a family with me, the list goes on. In all of these situations I maintained emotional safety through impossibility and rationalized my ass off.

Because deeper connections require us to deal with our shit we tend towards shallow emotional waters. What we miss out on in this pattern is the abundant love, compassion and support available to us if we commit to healing ourselves in the context of a mutually desired partnership.

7. Healing is hard work and we often don’t stick around long enough nor do we take proactive efforts to heal ourselves. Its so easy in our current dating culture to jump from honey-moon phase to honey-moon phase. We rationalize it by saying we want easy, uncomplicated connections, that we’re not looking for something serious, etc. But the reality is a series of honey-moon phases won’t bring you closer to a sustainable connection (which almost all of us want). Because deeper connections require us to deal with our shit we tend towards shallow emotional waters. What we miss out on in this pattern is the abundant love, compassion and support available to us if we commit to healing ourselves in the context of a mutually desired partnership.


So knowing all of this (and more) where does this leave me? With a tremendous amount of deep, authentic empathy and compassion for the condition of our men. For the condition of men in my life. For the condition of men I’ve known and will meet. The night I read this book (essentially cover to cover) I had such an outpouring of love and compassion for someone I wanted to tell them immediately. I wanted to say “I am so, so sorry for not meeting you where you were. For not remaining a grounding force in the midst of whatever internal turmoil you were going through that I couldn’t see or understand at the time and that you could not pinpoint in yourself when confronted. For not being clear and setting my own boundaries on what I needed and allowing you the space to arrive at a conclusion on your own time. For asking ‘why’ a million times when ‘why’ wasn’t the right question.”

But above all else what I wanted to communicate was that at this point in my life, knowing what I know now, recognizing patterns of partners in the past I have a deep desire to invest in mutual healing and growth with someone. Harkening back to bullet number six — I clearly have some self-inquiry to undertake and likely anyone I come across will as well — and I see great value at this point in doing that in partnership — I didn’t always. In creating a safe and nurturing connection that is honest about the challenges ahead but there’s a mutual commitment to growth and arriving at our best selves above all else. That when shit gets hard, feels scary or uncertain, that we actually look to one another for that shared sense of commitment to the mission. That we are invested in meeting ourselves deeply so that we can meet one another just as deeply. That our longing to be a better version of ourselves comes with action not just faith.

…at this point in my life, knowing what I know now, recognizing patterns of partners in the past I have a deep desire to invest in mutual healing and growth with someone.

I’m grateful for the new clarity this book provided and I’m hopeful that by setting the above intention I will seek out or happen upon the kind of connection that I now know I want and am hopeful that the other side of that partnership will be as deeply invested as I am in cultivating the building blocks of solid relationships: empathy, compassion, consistency, introspection, authentic and honesty. I’m perfectly content with running my fingertips over the chinks in your armor and accept you as a whole person at once flawed, wounded and brilliant as long as you’re willing to do the same.

Danielle DeRuiter-Williams

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The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.

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