Evening Thoughts

Sometimes i honestly lie awake at night and wonder how i ever got so lucky to have a man that loves me as much as my boyfriend does, and other times i lie there and wonder whats happening to us after we have a heavy argument.

Let me tell you about what we are going through. My loving man lives in England. He has an ex who hurt their child and is now in court for it. She lives her life literally trying to put him in jail when hes innocent. But despite all the bullshit i still love this man, adore him actually.

I give him all this love, and affection because my love for him is so deep. But sometimes i wonder if he loves me.

Flashback two days ago. I am lying in bed staring up at the ceiling wondering what happened. I have just poured my heart out to this man and no response for hours. Now this man has been talking about suicide for the past few days. Im in bed worried sick, not able to come out because i think hes dead wondering “did he ever love me?”

I lied awake wondering is this what i want anymore?

I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be needed. I need to be wanted.

I thought about our definition of romance. It was not the sex that was romantic though it was. It was planning our future in the long hours of the night. That was the romance. Where had the fire gone? Where had the passion we once had gone in three days?

I thought should i stay or should i leave him? My answer was really there all along. I stared at the moon and i remembered the old tale about the man who would stare at it every night thinking about his wife while he worked. That is my boyfriend.

I thought to myself that evening if i ever had the chance to do it over again would i? And my answer was clear. Yes. absolutely. I would re live all of this because despite the fact we are in disagreement right now this man is STILL my life and the answer suddenly was right there. Yes. I will stay. I will stay until the day we die.

I love you, Callum.