The Concept of Radical Self-Responsibility (RSR)
by Dr. Keith Merron & Danielle Conroy
In the last 10–15 years, an enormous amount of research has been conducted and knowledge gained about relationships across multiple disciplines including neurobiology, trauma, attachment & family systems theories. These have all contributed a great deal to our understanding about human dynamics. However, despite this knowledge, and the fact that we are ultimately social beings, most of our relationships remain distant, unsatisfying, and even deeply troubled, whether they are with our partners, children, parents, friends or co-workers. Other than parenting, most people discover that being in an intimate relationship is the hardest thing we ever do.
Many therapists, organizational consultants, coaches and social workers offer great communication frameworks, processes and principles that help quell the anger, shift the dynamic, and gain some ease, and many work well. This is a healthy move away from fighting, withdrawing and compromising yourself, to working on and ‘processing’ the breakdowns with these kinds of tools. The problem is that almost all of these are designed to reduce conflict and achieve greater harmony. This is, of course, a worthwhile goal, although it does not address the underlying causes of the breakdowns and the ‘band-aid’ nature of these ‘solutions’ is just not sustainable over time. The challenging dynamics keep arising. With our natural human tendency to seek pleasure and avoid pain, we can often miss the deeper and more profound opportunities to heal available for us in relationships.
This simple, and yet often elusive, opportunity in relationship is to heal and transform ourselves — to use the challenges we experience in relationship to transform our fundamental way of being. This is the aim of what we call Radical Self Responsibility (RSR). It is taking the ‘radical’ step into full (100%) responsibility for all we see, feel, think and do. From that foundational belief, we take back our power and sow the seeds of our own transformation, maturity and ultimately inner freedom. Paradoxically, while greater love, compassion and harmony result from this practice, in order to get there, one must take full responsibility, stop blaming self or others, disengage from difficult interactions and turn inwards with curiosity and compassion.
Radical Self Responsibility (RSR) is not a path for everyone. It is for people committed to growth, development, and ultimately transformation. RSR is for those of us who have had enough of the cycle of fighting and blame, and who recognize the relentless and ineffective ‘processing’ with a partner that does not seem to really resolve anything. This is the next developmental move. Any meaningful relationship is a powerful vehicle for our unfolding. It is our capacity to fully face our edges and transform through and from them that is our road to inner freedom. Inner freedom does not come from avoiding or bypassing pain. It requires a fierce resolve.
On this path, RSR provides a unique and crucial set of principles and practices, which have the potential for enduring healing and growth. RSR is born out of the belief that the only way to create an extraordinary life with secure, thriving and lasting relationships is to do one’s inner work in a way that truly heals and dissolves the wounds of the past. RSR teaches us that when we react strongly to another, the only way to heal ourselves is to go inward (self-inquiry) to search and find the seeds (narratives / beliefs) of our own pain and suffering, and feel them deeply and fully. With consistent practice and patience, we find our reactions significantly reduced and sometimes, we no longer react at all. Instead, we are much more able to respond with compassion, maturity, and wisdom. In our experience of this practice, the greater the suffering, the more potential for healing.
We, the authors, have held a lifelong deep commitment to seek, grow, evolve, and transform. And in this search, we have found how we relate to one another in the most stressful of moments makes all the difference. Our strategies in these moments either allow for growth and transformation, or inhibit them. It is to the possibility of transformation in and for our most vital relationships that this upcoming book and website is dedicated.
