The Practice Of Attentive Curiosity

By Dr. Keith Merron and Danielle Conroy

Life offers us many moments when things do not go the way we want them to, and people do and say things that upset us. This is when we get ‘triggered’. This means many of us feel uncomfortable emotions like anger or fear, and these feelings can manifest behaviorally as crying, aggressive speech or actions, including blaming and making others wrong, withdrawing and shutting down. More often than not, we end up saying and doing things that cause harm to ourselves, and others.

In these moments, we are primarily operating from our limbic brain, which is geared towards survival and protection. This is often referred to as an amygdala hijack! In this state, we lose connection to our pre-frontal cortex, the executive functioning part of the brain. This means our capacity to take and seek multiple perspectives, connect with & consider others, and think creatively significantly reduces.

Learning to recognize the early warning signals that we are triggered is a key first step in navigating these difficult moments. Almost always, these signals are initially felt as body sensations, for example, we might notice a tightening of our chest, our shoulders move towards our ears, our stomach clenches, and our breath becomes shallow etc. Other signals can be harsh criticism and judgment of self or others, feeling defensive, angry or anxious. Typically whatever we want to do or say is immediate and intense.

Once we realize we are triggered, it is important to stop and disengage from our interactions and situation, and take time to be alone and present with what is arising. Transformation and healing happen when we can face and embrace the present moment fully, and at the same time, not get lost or subsumed by the story or our meaning-making about what is happening. This also supports us in regulating our nervous system and reconnect with our pre-frontal cortex.

Practicing attentive curiosity in less triggered moments can help hone our skills and build this muscle of being present to, and tolerating uncomfortable emotions and experience. Then in stronger moments when we are really triggered, we can use this practice to find more freedom and choiceful action.

The Practice:

1. Noticing you feel triggered (via thoughts and/or sensations and /or feelings like anger or fear, etc.), and as respectfully as possible, excuse yourself from the interaction or situation in front of you.

2. Find a ‘safe space’ where you will not be disturbed for 15–30 minutes. (Avoid alcohol, drugs, devices or any other potential distraction)

3. Sit or lie down and take 5 deep breaths. Focus on the flow of your breath in and out of your nose or the rise and fall of your belly. Slow right down.

4. Notice the various thoughts, judgments or narrative about what happened. Allow them to pass through, and pay NO attention to the content. Learn to drop the story.

5. Turn your attention to your feelings and the body sensations that they elicit.

6. Keep breathing slowly and fully.

7. Focus on your body. Note all the sensations that are present.

8. Choose one of the more intense sensations and as you observe and feel, ask yourself one by one (slowly) all or some of the following questions:

· Where is this sensation located?

· What shape is it?

· How big is it?

· What is the texture of it?

· What color is it?

· What do you notice about the edges of it?

· Locate the center of the sensation. Feel into that.

· If it could make a sound, what might it sound like?

9. Keep breathing as deeply as you can. Slow and fully.

10. Be patient and stay present.

11. Notice when thoughts arise and gently bring yourself back to your sensations.

12. Often images or memories arise providing deeper insights. Get curious about these. There is wisdom available when we allow what is present to run its course.

13. When you feel complete, calm and grounded, gently open your eyes and journal about your experience.

Following this practice, when you feel less triggered and calm, it may be helpful to review the narrative about what happened.

· What do you notice about the story you told yourself from this more calm state?

· What other perspectives can you see now?

· What needs were not being met?

· What needs to be communicated?

· What have you learned from this experience?

The next time you feel triggered, pause and return attention into the spaciousness of your body. In just one instant of pure compassion, shift awareness out of the spinning narrative and tend to the life that is surging within you. Once you have soothed the activation and returned into the here and now, you can return to narrative and re-author it from a place of presence and vision. Matt Licata

Instead of trying to escape discomfort, we let discomfort reveal its deeper secrets. Jeff Foster

Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash