Find the Beauty in Grief.

The week my Dad died was fraught with so many emotions. Shock, uncontrollable sadness. Even anger. Expecting that that was normal, what I didn’t expect were the special moments of confusion, love and awe. The pain rendered me almost zombie-like. I could barely walk. I didn’t eat, sleep, function. But I noticed things. Things that could only have happened because he had passed away. Sad things of course, but also moments that take your breath away.

A month into our grieving process I found myself sitting on my deck with my Mom. Discussing how hard it is to grieve my Dad’s death because she is my best friend, a a widower now, she lost my Dad too. My two year old son interrupted our special moment together enough times for me to realize that he needed to watch a DVD for a little while. I looked frantically for the remote, even calling a friend who’s two year old was over playing with my son earlier in the day, she didn’t know where it was. I had to sit down. Overcome with tears,I went to my Mom. My breaking point I suppose. Exhausted, I took a minute to settle and sat in silence with her.

This is how she told the story: all of a sudden I jumped up out of my chair and opened the lid to the bbq. There sat the remote control! We couldn’t even believe our eyes. We laughed and we cried. She asked me “what possessed me to look in the bbq?” I caught my breath and told her, “I heard Dads voice. He said ‘open the bbq’!” And that’s all it took for both of us to realize that some people never really leave our lives, but instead, travelling through time, guiding us when we need them most. You just have to let yourself be vulnerable and accepting. Pay attention. That’s why I think it happens so clearly with the loss of a loved one. We are so torn down from grief, having nothing else to give that we can open up and allow ourselves to see the beauty around us. It doesn’t last long. It’s fast and almost dream like, but it’s real and it’s beautiful.