My wife is still in hospital for a month after her stroke number seven. We have been through these journeys before, but it is still very hard to see her suffers. She is an amazingly positive person, and she cares for others more than herself.
The things that any couple would do like going to a café for a coffee, is not that easy for us. Now I am happy to get a coffee and treat for her in the hospital ward, just to see her smile.
As I reflect, I wish I appreciate her and other people more and focus less on my own needs.
Here are the things that I learned, and I swear I change and grow to do these things.
Telling them we care
People can’t read our minds. We can do lots of things to people which are nice. It is also important to tell them how we appreciate and love them.
Electronic media can do to certain extent, but nothing can replace a face to face verbal appreciation.
Spending time with them
Electronic messages and phone calls are great but there is nothing compared to a face-to-face contact. It adds powerful emotional memory and shows people we care.
I understand we all are busy. I am lucky to have friends they all have their busy personal and professional life but making time to ask me out for a coffee to check in how I am doing. They understand the tough road that my wife and I are traveling on.
Taking time to understand and listen
It is frustrating to have a conversation with our messages half-heard and people trying to give advice that we never asked for or making judgement without knowing and understanding our full stories. At the end it is all about them and not us. Sounds familiar?
Better way to support people would be to simply listen and trying to understand. If there is a compelling moment that some advice needs to be given, please ask permission first.
We need encouragement and empathy rather than a telling us what to do.
Be their cheerleader
Yes. When we are facing challenging circumstances, it is so tempted to take the easy way out and give up. I have no idea if my wife’s health would ever be healed. I am getting more discouraged and exhausted every time I saw my wife suffered with her deteriorated health.
A word of encouragement, a pad on my shoulder and a kind word of wisdom allowing me to see another perspective is very helpful. I am very grateful that I have families and friends are here for us.
It is fine to be on the receiving end too
I feel bad for asking for help. I tend to soldier on until to the point that people could see I could not cope.
When we travel, we hear our flight attendants informing us in an emergency, give ourselves oxygen masks before helping our children and other people. I can look after my wife better only if I am mentally and physically well enough to do so.
I know it is a long haul and I need to look after myself. It is no point to be a short-lived hero!
Final word
I truly wish none of you would face what I am facing. Every day I am learning what normal life is like with my wife and me.
I am very grateful that we receive tremendous amount of love and support. My wife is still here, and I determine to be a better husband every day for her.