Hillary Clinton Successfully Avoids Indictment By Proving She’s Really Just Incredibly Stupid

“Would you like to meet my invisible friend Hamlet, the pig? He’s my TOP adviser!”

In ruling out both intent and gross negligence, the FBI has essentially given Secretary Clinton the benefit of the doubt as being one of the most obscenely unintelligent and inept people ever to defy Darwinism and find success in life. In short, they have suggested that she may have behaved criminally or she may just be so exceedingly stupid that she can’t be held accountable and so long as that doubt exists, no rational prosecutor would ever dare go after someone who is potentially operating with a non-functional brain.

She created unprotected personal servers to house an email account that she used for personal, business, and government correspondence, because asking her to manage a single email account is already overly demanding. Forget having separate accounts. Now apparently, she was also too stupid to understand that the mere existence of these servers was not allowed or that as Secretary of State, she would undoubtedly be receiving classified information that would end up being stored on those unsecured servers, another clear violation. Likewise, linking her Blackberry to those servers (because as reported by Slate, she is incapable of utilizing email through anything but her Blackberry) was an honest mistake and when she was told explicitly that she was not allowed to operate said Blackberry, they apparently should have used smaller words and spoken more slowly so she would understand.

Once it was up and running, there were in fact many instances of classified information being stored on those servers. Clinton has always denied that she ever used her private servers to transmit classified information, but as FBI Director Comey put it, “There is evidence to support a conclusion that any reasonable person in Secretary Clinton’s position, or in the position of those government employees with whom she was corresponding about these matters, should have known that an unclassified system was no place for that conversation. In addition to this highly sensitive information, we also found information that was properly classified as Secret by the U.S. Intelligence Community at the time it was discussed on e-mail (that is, excluding the later ‘up-classified’ e-mails).” Clearly, Clinton was not a reasonable person, according to the FBI, and extra care obviously should have been taken in training the Secretary on how to properly identify information that was already classified as Secret. If her lack of brain functionality is so well-known and accepted, extra care should have been taken.

Now the skeptics out there might try to point to reports of the servers needing to be shut down repeatedly out of fear that they had been compromised as proof that Clinton and her team were well aware of the dangers involved, but that’s crazy talk. Similarly, when lower level staffers were sternly told to keep the servers a secret, it wasn’t because they were aware that what they were doing was illegal, but that Secretary Clinton loves secrets and no one wanted to ruin her fun, because it made her crabby and settling her down for nap time was a nightmare. Then, when her emails sent from her illegal servers started to get caught by the State Department’s filters, she couldn’t possibly be expected to understand that SPAM was anything other than her favorite canned luncheon meat, leaving her completely innocent in the State Department’s decision to drop their spam filter, leaving the entire system exposed.

I can hear you conspiracy theorists now, claiming that the FBI and experts covering this story are wrong to suggest that there was no attempt to hide anything, destroy evidence, or obstruct justice, all of which would have pointed to intent or gross negligence. Hogwash! I’ve already explained the Secretary’s great love of playing her “Secrets” game. In addition, the government has no right to look through her personal emails and strip her of her rights to privacy in all things Yoga-related, so it only makes sense that she should keep thousands of emails, over half of what was on the servers, and not submit them for review. Of course Secretary Clinton gets confused about what is and is not personal, so of course she had her lawyers make those determinations for her. You may argue that in the FBI’s attempts to recover those thousands of destroyed emails, a number of the ones found turned out to include classified information, making it clear that she had ordered people to hide evidence and destroy it in order to obstruct justice, but please, honest mistakes made by clearly unqualified lawyers are in no way Hillary’s fault for hiring them than just as she can’t be held responsible for heading a department that the FBI has condemned for being notoriously careless in its handling of classified information. I’m sure you’re not suggesting that Huma Abedin’s report of Clinton’s use of Burn Bags to dispose of “personal” documents s in any way suspicious, because it is common knowledge that the term “Burn Bags” makes the Secretary giggle and that fire mesmerizes her.

And please do not suggest for one moment that the last year of lies coming from Hillary could be used to demonstrate intent to mislead the public and evade justice. Words are hard, remembering things is hard, and anyone who has ever had to teach a child not to lie knows that it’s a lengthy process, often taking decades of work and practice.

So I think that clears everything up. Secretary Clinton lacks the intellectual capacity to have understood that anything she was doing was illegal or a danger to national security, because quite frankly, just about the only thing she’s allowed to decide on her own is what to wear and as Hasan Minhaj recently pointed out, she looks like an employee of P.F. Chang’s. Hilary Clinton isn’t corrupt; she’s just operating at a mental level that falls outside the standard measurements. So please, vote for Hillary Clinton in November, because better an absolute moron than that Trump guy.