Schwarzman Center to be Relocated

You’ll never guess what Salovey’s plan is!

NEW HAVEN, CT — On May 11th, 2015, Blackstone Group CEO and super rich guy Stephen A. Schwarzman donated $150 million to Yale University towards the building of a new center. Mr. Schwarzman noted that he hopes “that the Schwarzman Center will [not only] serve as the crossroads for the campus, but place Yale at the crossroads of the world.” Indeed, Yale cannot be called the crossroads of the world unless it gets a central gathering place, a location where students gather and unwind for the 15 minutes of free time they have every day.

The new Schwarzman Center is set to be completed by 2020, and will replace Commons dining and Memorial Halls. The Center will be host to many distinct spaces, including the grand main hall, gallery spaces, performance spaces, student meeting rooms, light-filled lounge areas, gallery spaces, performance spaces, and student meeting rooms.


This makes the Center just one brick oven pizza shy of matching Morse and Stiles’ sole status as “suitable for 21st-century living.”

But the road to the Schwarzman Center, like many a shnoz on Wall Street, had a prominent bump. A few days after the announcement of the center, President Peter Salovey (@p5alvz) tweeted, “After a long walk and ponder, I’ve decided I like Commons too much. We’ll need to find a new location for the Schwarzman Center #commonslunchmatters.” However, said new and improved location for the Schwarzman center remained undisclosed.

On May 20th, @p5alvz dropped a hint. “I’m willing to move mountains to make sure the Schwarzman Center is built #commonslunchmakesmyday”


Finally, on May 29th, President Salovey formally presented his plans for the new location of Schwarzman Center: “Science Hill. We’re moving Science Hill to make room for the Center.” His face gleamed with excitement in the afternoon sun. “The Schwarzman Center should be located central to campus, but it should not replace Commons, Sterling Library, or Berkeley College. For a week or so, Beineke seemed like a viable alternative; we had workers on sight to move the world-renowned Gutenberg bibles into the basement of the Schwarzman Center and raze the rest of the Library and its useless contents. However, after realizing that the Beineke might be housing not only the Bibles but a few other useful books, we decided to just let the old geezer stay.

Instead, in a truly bold and industry-leading move, the university will be uprooting the entirety of Science Hill, from Grove to Edwards street, and relocating it a few hundred meters that way,” he said, flailing his hand in the general direction of Sterling Chemistry Laboratory. “In its new location,” he concluded, “the Schwarzman Center will be close to campus without taking up an inch of the absolutely indispensable Commons Hall.” He concluded his speech by explaining, “In order to make the new, more distant Science hill more accessible to students, we will create no fewer than 27 new shuttle lines, one for each letter of the alphabet and a pound symbol.”

When asked how he would possibly move Science hill a few hundred meters “that way” and build the cultural center for a measly $150 million, President Salovey explained his idea to acquire free labor: “You see, we will begin this project in early April, a week or two after Spring break has concluded, when every Fraternity’s pledge process is in full swing. Who is more willing to do extraordinary amounts of labor for a completely intangible goal than a frat pledge?” Salovey went on to explain, “The pledges’ Emotional Quotient Inventories revealed an extreme openness to put themselves under great duress for extended periods of time, which was hailed by the psychology department as the most desired characteristic for a Schwarzman Center mover.”

The presidents of the several fraternity chapters at Yale, whose names they asked to keep anonymous in order to prevent a “pledge overthrow of brothers not unlike the French Revolution,” were all in favor of such actions. A few said that they were even willing to institute a “hell decade” portion of the pledge process, where the pledges would undergo forced labor for the University for ten year’s time. Most agreed that the character building of digging dirt for no pay until complete exhaustion or even death is preferable to the hazing many frats currently impose upon their pledges, such as emotional pow-wows filled with sobbing and twizzlers and day-long diary-writing sessions.


President Salovey has high hopes for this project, saying that the money saved on construction company costs will be used for reinstating Commons breakfast.

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