Always Leave’Em Laughing
Funny Things To Write On Your Gravestone
When I walk home from my job at NASA (I wash the science mice), I take a shortcut through a graveyard. This shaves three whole hours off my commute and allows me to save valuable protein for when I need it most: when I am running from loan sharks in my nightmares.
Something I have noticed about the gravestones in this cemetery is that they are not funny. One of the graves says “Waldo” on it which, I guess, could be funny if you were to take a photo of it, caption it “look who I found” and send it to the newspaper. But this takes several steps and having photos printed costs money and, honestly, I don’t even think cameras can do that anymore. It’s all on the web.
Someone, I’m not sure who, once said: “son, always leave’em laughing.” The people in the graves of this boneyard did not leave’em laughing at all. They left’em bored. DEAD bored. Here are some ideas of things you can pay a person to permanently carve into your headstone, so your widow (girls) or wodiw (boys) can laugh all mourning long.
1. “Worm Food Here: $5”
This is funny because it points out something that people viscerally hate thinking about. It is what a book I read calls “observational comedy.” When you die, worms eat you. Even your penis. They don’t know or care what your penis is or what it was for, it is just food to them. Anyway, one perk of putting this joke on your bonestone is that people might leave five-bucker bills on your grave. If you ever return as a ghostly ghoul, you can paint the town red! You can’t die twice: double jeopardy!
2. “I Hope There’s A Nordstrom In Hell!”
This is a “topical” joke, which might not hold up in hundreds of years. Remember: graves are forever. I think this one has staying power and is still funny out of context. For real though, good on Nordstrom. I have never shopped at a Nordstrom, but there’s one in my town and the parking lot is SO BIG and you can do all sorts of stuff there.
3. “I Like’a Make’a Da Pee Pee”
This is something I like to say at parties and people love it. It might be a gamble to put this on your gravestone because a BIG part of why it is funny is that you make the “Italian hands” while you say it, and then you do the “chef’s kiss.” Tres magnifique! It is hard to incorporate physicality in your stone en-grave-ing. One day they will be able to print photos on headstones, like they do on cakes. Last year, my cousin Evette got a birthday cake with a picture of her face on it and when my uncle tried to carve it she would scream and scream.
4. “Good Luck Getting Your Money Now, Loan Sharks”
One thing you can do when you are dead that you can’t do as a living being is taunt your enemies without fear of retaliation. the worst your enemies can do is hurt someone you love, but you’ll be long gone. Good luck getting your money now, Don!
5. “Abraham Lincoln”
Look. I love pranks and people love my pranks. Ask anyone. So why should the party stop just because I died driving my scooter off of my roof into an empty pool? Putting a famous person’s name on your own headstone is funny because people will think you were important instead of a fucking nobody. Tres magnifique!
6. “My Other Grave Is Your Basement”
This one is a truly chilling goof.
7. “Avenge Me, Dwayne”
This would be so my friend Dwayne knows I was murdered and someone covered it up. If anyone can avenge my wrongful death, it’s Dwayne. He knows this city and everyone in it and he’s got a big, mean dog. He would find the loan sharks who cut the brakes on my scooter.
8. “My Wife”
Listen. Everyone loves Borat. Now you can adorn your eternal resting place with his signature catch phrase: the one where he tells you who his wife is. Putting this on your gravestone might be confusing if you are actually someone’s wife, but I think the pros outweigh the cons. Speaking of cons, I lost a lot of money in a deal I made with a dangerous con man who said I’m “next.”
9. “I Lived a Life of Love”
Everyone loves alliteration. EV. ER. EE. 1. It is what intellectuals like me call “fancy wordsmanship.” This lets the world know that you honestly and sincerely appreciate all the love you had experienced on this Earth. Now that you are dead, you cannot feel love. In Heaven, you are a glowing orb that is forced to re-watch all the mistakes you made in life. You feel nothing. You only learn for next time. When you go to hell, it’s the same thing only you are allowed to feel embarrassed. So look forward to that, Don!
Does anyone remember what Picasso was like as a guy? He was probably an asshole. Do people remember what Joan of Arc or Sammy Davis, Jr. or Woody Allen or the guy that did the voice of Spongebob were like at parties? Not at all. They just remember their work. So tell people where to find it! Putting your website on your tombstone is a great way to make sure your legacy lives on forever, even if you are murdered by Don “The Con” Café and his gang of loan sharks.
I hope this list has given you some ideas for things you can do when you are dead. If you end up using one of my suggestions, make sure your estate sends me a check or money order of a thousand dollars. I need it. I am in a lot of trouble.