Control: Don’t Give Up
Here’s the fascinating thing. I said yesterday that the reader should give up.
I didn’t mean it. I was showing the painful consequences of depression.
I think that no one should give up on his or her dreams. I think that dreams are something one should try to pursue. I just wanted to say something rebellious that would show how messed-up life can get.
I am painting my Alpha Legion army. I can try to be productive.
I am writing six short stories for a role-playing game campaign supplement written by myself and Finnegan. I, Dalton Lewis, am writing my ass off to make these into good stories. I need them to do well.
There is one story for each of the characters available for play by the players. I hope to write some good stories. I want to add depth and symbolism and irony to these stories.
I have been reading Before I Fall. It’s a pretty good book. I recommend it. I haven’t done enough reading considering that I’m working a lot of hours a week at writing.
I want to develop as a writer. I want to write about how painful and difficult life is. I want to ask difficult questions. I want to know if there can be a good side of a war. I don’t think that it’s normal. I mean, Hitler was guilty, but in almost every other war, both sides had good points.
I think that my wargaming miniatures fight wars to protect their own. They don’t think that there are good guys or bad guys, just different perspectives.
Alpha Legion are based on ambush and surprise and deception. I need to show some deception so that I might write more effectively. I need to focus on being positive and writing and trying to write more effectively.
The problem with the game and the writing is that this is real life. There is a strong possibility of failure. In fiction one can win the big game. In real life almost no one wins the big game. One out of twelve or twenty-eight will win a tournament. One of thousands will get published and sell well.
Those are steep odds. I think, however, that one should try to achieve in life. People who succeed tend to be the people who work the hardest. Easy jobs don’t lend themselves to succeeding in life. One who works for countless hours may make it as a writer or a board game champion.
I might say that it’s difficult to succeed because I am mentally ill. I hate myself for having so much trouble paying attention to the world around me. I have forgotten what it’s like to think normally. I need to remember that because the voices aren’t around all the time anymore. Clozapine seems to work, people.
I still get depressed. The stories in my head continue sometimes — just not all the time. I don’t mind this at all. I have peaceful quiet in my head, and I will fill it with something. I will die someday. I don’t know what to do about that except to try to work out and eat well.
I need to be positive. I know that life is difficult. I just think that hard work trumps depression.
Thanks, and take care, friends.
