Control: Three Months of Ruin
I, Dalton Lewis, author of The Renaissance and the Homeworlders, lost three months. This isn’t one of those where did I put them things either. I know exactly what happened. For three months I yelled at the walls, screamed at the voices inside my head, and pretty much felt useless to the world.
For the first week I didn’t understand the problem. I began to give myself a new medication for my schizophrenia. Now, a new medicine generally means three months before the medicine can kick in and we can start to see results. I didn’t understand what that meant and had forgotten how it could go.
I stopped writing shortly after my novel, The Renaissance and the Homeworlders, didn’t sell. I stopped writing my beloved blog entries. I didn’t have enough of an audience to maintain sales past the first few days. Someone read this one, though, so I was happy about that. It was Simon. He read it and didn’t seem to mind it so badly.
I lived through the worst hell ever. I lived through the worst monotony of yelling at myself over stupid stuff. It was like, the voices say you are seeing illusions. You are seeing illusions and can’t see what’s real. Shit like that, shit that doesn’t make sense, shit that isn’t real, shit that no sane person would ever worry about.
I would drive around doing nothing. I would never progress. I would spend scary amounts of money. I would walk through the park, yelling at myself, trying not to yell at nothing when other people were around.
I’ll be honest. I didn’t work at all during that time. I couldn’t. I can’t work — I can’t function most days. I apologize for that and want to get better. I need to get better.