Schizophrenic’s Guide: My Body and Mind are Broken
I am tempted to throw a fit. My mom wants me to manage my life better even though I am managing my life as best as I possibly can. No one seems to notice. I am putting trash in the garbage and then being told in a disappointed voice that I didn’t line the trash with a trash bag. I hate life some days. I hate life today. I said something stupid that caused trouble for my life. I worked not one day this year for money. Instead I fought to write novels. I wrote one and published it at the start of the year. I sold a dozen or so copies. Good, right? The next novel was a flop. Sold nothing. I am tempted to throw a fit but I don’t.
Will I succeed as a writer? Probably not. I will probably not build a huge audience and make it on the bestseller list. It probably won’t happen. Why? Dreams like that aren’t real.
They aren’t. Real people don’t become famous. They don’t. Real people don’t go to Mars or fight bad guys with their bare fists. That isn’t real.
Chores are real, and they will never end. Nothing will ever end. I am tempted to throw a fit because I didn’t intend to do anything wrong and it seems like everyone doesn’t understand that. I am sorry.
I wrote for twenty years and didn’t sell shit. No one fucking cared. I’m sorry. That’s a bit of a disappointment. What am I supposed to say? Twenty years and it sucked. And I can’t point out that anyone but me is bad at anything or else I’m in trouble. Well, fine. That’s reasonable. I suck at a lot of things, and I don’t care to tell anyone else what they are bad at….not anymore.
What to do? Should I write for another twenty years? I don’t know; I’m tired and my body is broken. My knee hurts, my brain hurts, and I can barely get around. I’m fat. I am down on life. I am having trouble focusing on my life and keeping everything together. I don’t think that I can make it work. I don’t think that I can please everyone. I don’t think that I can write for another twenty years.
I can’t even win at stupid board and games and stupider video games. I’m tired.
Thanks, and take care, friends.