The fear of writing

I have been editing this draft a lot. I’ve been changing it, writing more, deleting some stuff, changing words here and there. That’s because I am afraid of writing. And probably I am more afraid of writing the wrong things. My mind comes up with this dichotomy that I sometimes don’t understand. Today something might be good and tip the balance in its favor, tomorrow it might be something bad, because I wrote it in a moment when I was vulnerable or “too open”.

And this applies a lot more to the things I post online. It’s funny that I already have a large digital footprint and I don’t know why I am still bothering with these things. Probably Facebook, Twitter and Google know more about me than I know myself by now.

I fear writing now because — as with a lot of things in my life — I tend to censor it. Writing from the soul means losing control, and after some introspection, I see that one of my worst fears is not being in control. Not knowing where I’m headed, where I’m at and what to do next. It’s like I’m having this compass that changes the direction of the magnetic poles. Even writing these things is something extremely different from my control freak version of me. It makes the control freak in me uncomfortable.

As I’m writing this, I am trying to understand from where this fear comes from. If the control freak in me is right or wrong. It’s like I lost my ability to walk for some time and now I’m learning again how to do it. One foot in front of the other, step by step, word by word.

I worked as a copywriter for a few years. I imagined myself winning awards, getting paid for writing witty things, and working with amazing brands and clients that are open to lots and lots of creative ideas. You know, all the little shallow reasons a lot of young people choose this career path. As much as I loved writing, after a while it became just a job. The magic disappeared and it felt like it was never coming back. I am also an introvert, and I felt that I didn’t belong in that world.

I still remember someone saying to me 7–8 years ago that she can’t see me doing this job my entire life, and that I should be working in tech or some adjacent field. I dismissed her suggestion back then thinking that I wouldn’t be able to learn to code or do anything else than write. Copywriting was way too cool. Dev stuf? Naaah! Now I’m thinking back to the things she said and I see how right she were.

The love of writing is coming back. It’s again a special part of my life, just as front-end development is. Writing is once more cathartic, an experience that helps me discover myself and the world around me.