Rape may not be the word you’re looking for

Disclaimer: I use “partner” in this article for lack of a better word.

I’ve seen a bunch of images floating around social media like this one. And I just wanted to give the world my two cents.

There’s an article talking about how the term “non-consensual sex” leads us to believe that there are “degrees of ‘rapiness’” and that the amount of force used then determines the severity of the crime. And they’re right — when the word is being used for is rebranding. It is NOT OKAY to try to make rape sound better by using a word that isn’t stigmatised, it is NOT OKAY to try to make violating a person seem less than it is.

Degrees of rapiness? That’s a TERRIFYING thought because there are NO degrees. Using the word “degrees” suggests that there is an acceptable level of rape, and there isn’t. So, I fully support the movement to teach people not to rape, to instead ask their partner(s) what they want and to respect their choices, even if they change throughout the night. I fully support the people who are trying to break down the idea that rape is a man’s penis penetrating a woman’s vagina. People of ALL TYPES get raped: cis-, trans-, gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, young, old, soft-spoken, outgoing, burly, scrawny, and any other category… it doesn’t matter; anyone can get raped. And likewise, a person from any category can be a rapist.

But I think this whole movement is missing something. I’ve been quiet so far, letting people do the good work that they are doing but I also want people to understand that this isn’t a simple problem, it’s multifaceted. The important work of teaching people not to rape isn’t going to solve everything. While people may say that there is no such thing as non-consensual sex, because it should be called rape, I disagree. I think non-consensual sex has been used incorrectly by many people, where rape should have been used, but I think they are two different concepts. I think we need the term “non-consensual sex”, not because it’s okay but it’s a different problem than the one described by “rape”.

Rape is when one party doesn’t respect the choices of their partner(s) and goes ahead knowing that there was no consent. It doesn’t matter whether consent was withdrawn, never given or that the person was incapable of consent, that’s rape.

• Someone said “no”? That’s called rape.
• Someone was drunk? That’s rape.
• Someone changed their mind? Rape.
• Someone tried to leave instead of saying “no”? Still rape.

Non-consensual sex is when there was no withdrawal of consent or statement of non-consent. Sounds like sex, right? That’s because it is, but that doesn’t mean there was consent, there was the absence of non-consent.

• Someone doesn’t feel comfortable/safe enough to say “no”? I call that non-consensual sex.
• Someone pretends to want sex when they don’t? I say non-consensual sex.

Like rape, I think this can happen between any partner(s), no category is exempt. The difference is that the partner that wants sex doesn’t know that sex isn’t what everyone wants at that moment. Pretending to not know is not the same as not knowing.

Think about the women in arranged marriages who don’t have feelings for their husbands but have been taught that they have a duty to their husbands. So they may not want to have sex, but they do, because that’s what they’ve been taught.

I differentiate between the two because the root of the problem isn’t the same for both. We won’t solve them thinking that they are. When someone does not treat their partner(s) as human: denying them the control of their body that is their right, it’s rape. The root of the non-consensual sex problem is that someone has had their voice taken away for so long and in so many ways that when asked if they want to have sex, their answer is “yes” even when they wanted to say no. This person has been taught that they’re supposed to want sex, or that they need to fit in, or that their opinion doesn’t matter, even when it does. This person might not even feel like a person anymore, and they might never. They likely won’t feel like they have the right to control their body because they never have before.

I think we need to solve both problems because teaching people to have a voice is just as important as teaching people to listen.

Addendum: My friend brought up how terrible of a term “non-consensual sex” is, and I agree. I wish I had a better to describe this concept but the closest I have found is “sexual coercion”, which implies that the violated partner was pressured in that moment before giving in.

I read this after a friend suggested that it might solve the problem I’ve outlined here. And I think it is a great article, the culture described there would be an amazing solution to the rape problem; it’s a culture we should strive for in our homes and societies. The one thing I feel is lacking in the article was the need for women to learn to take care of themselves. I’ve found a trend among all the women I’ve met to deny their own need for help because they are so busy caring for others. Adding to the denial of self-care, many women are now responsible for the home as well as for their jobs; while I don’t see a proportional increase in the number of men who are stepping up at home. There is a good video which portrays this phenomenon and has been supported by many successful women and the population at large.

I also think that the article over-emphasised the intimacy aspect. While I believe that it is extremely important, I think it is equally important that we respect people’s choices in all areas of life, not just in the intimate areas. We can try to counsel our loved ones, but we have to know that ultimately the decision is theirs and that by forcing them to do what we want, we are denying the right of control over the body, harming their mental health and ruining our relationships with them.

I found another article which talks about related ideas.