The Need To Feel Productive

I often find myself needing to fill my to-do list when I know I will have several hours by my lonesome.

This is typically completed toward the end of the week as I anticipate the feeling of time slipping through my fingers and my desire to grasp the time and for me to derive something from nothing. Lists are created, time is accounted for, and a sighs of relief are had as the future is filled in.

And I’ve realized that through this process over the last year that: 1) yes, this is a bit compulsive and driven by anxiety/fear that I wilt away into the abyss that is YouTube, but 2) I’ve come to appreciate that this effort and this willingness to do is important to me, who I perceive myself as, and how I value my time and effort. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

What is to be ashamed of, or put better, to be thought of more deeply is the judgement I may have of myself when I don’t follow my timeline, when my brain chooses to swipe through meaningless content. I do think there should be always a push to develop ourselves into the person that we would like to be (to be clear, not what people want us to be). But like with anything, there will be volatility.

We should always leave room for spontaneity and entropy. That is the flavor of the dish of your day. The unexpected touch of a call from a family member or paying special attention to the scary squirrels that are screaming outside your window.

One thing is for certain — when I am with my partner, this need vanishes. Time with her is not judged by activities, but just traversed. This time-filling anxiety is completely lifted as I know that this is inarguably the best use of my time.

It’s almost like the feeling of deep work, but you’re having fun instead. So let’s call it deep fun.

At any rate, thanks for reading.