Bachelor in Paradise: Online dating come to life — but sweatier.

Dani Mahrer
Aug 25, 2017 · 6 min read

The Bachelor Franchise has not made it’s mark on American culture by being a realistic guide to modern romance. I mean a guy dating 25 women, sleeping with 3 of them back to back, and everyone’s parents being okay with it — is NOT something that happens IRL. But this season of BIP has actually been a pretty accurate depiction of how stressful it is to date nowadays. In fact, it has brought every cringe-worthy online dating personality to life, dumped them on a beach, and forced women to interact with them.

At least online dating has less than 100% humidity

This hit me when, in describing the concept of the show to my bf as a game of musical chairs, he responded: “But the girls don’t seem to be playing — they are trying to stay in the same chair while the guys keep dancing around”. This was SO true, and SO infuriating to me, partly because the BIP women are way too good for the BIP men, but also because it reminded me of how I felt while drowning in the online dating world (early experience with current BF included): I was out there trying to find a real man while the guys just wanted to play Bar Mitzvah party games.

Just like in Paradise, the seemingly never-ending flow of potential online matches seriously deters one from ever investing themselves in any one relationship: “What if someone better swipes right on me tomorrow, or what if any of the other 15 girls I am talking to ends up putting out more on the first date? I probably shouldn’t text this girl again for at least 3 days just in case”.

In Paradise the guys are having the exact same reaction: “But what if someone hotter walks down the stairs tomorrow? I’m going to go ahead and walk this relationship back a few steps just in case”.

So instead of recapping this week, I am going to trash the men of Paradise by comparing them to their online dating strategy equivalent. Enjoy.


Alex and Iggy the Right Swipers

Both of these over-testosteroned, painfully obnoxious bros spent the cocktail party desperately attempting to get a rose from literally every girl there. Taking on the role of die hard right swipers: swiping right on everyone with boobs in the hopes that one of them will stick, Alex and Iggy are the absolute worst. It’s actually a non-strategy, and fortunately for viewers everywhere, they were entirely unsuccessful. They were sent home and we all hate them more now then we did when they were the most obnoxious member of their original season’s cast.

Suggested alternative: Identify 1–2 women that you are both attracted to and respect, and have a real conversation with them. A real conversation should include: questions about their family and their life goals. A real conversation should not include: calling them crazy or insisting they owe you their rose.

Drink some water and learn some respect.

Iggy the fake Jew

Lacey was selling the Jewish girl thing real hard (again choose either a Hamsa or a Star of David, both is never necessary), but that doesn’t mean she deserved to get prayed at by Iggy. Now I can only imagine that reciting the kiddush was Iggy’s attempt at going the Jew impersonator route, but ultimately he’s just too racially ambiguous to make that work. A successful online Jew impersonator casually changes his religion on OKC, opens J-Swipe and J-Date accounts, and hopes the girl won’t notice that he isn’t circumcised.

Suggested alternative: Don’t pretend to be Jewish and instead ask your nice Jewish date about her culture and why it’s important to her. Also — be willing to raise your children Jewish, and don’t mention the Holocaust.

Iggy Rodriguez: Not a Jew

Ben Z the Animal Lover

Ben Z has been all dog talk all season and it has not been working out for him. This one is tough to criticize, as I was a sucker for a guy with a good dog or sloth photo — but Ben is taking it a bit too far. It’s like all his profile photos are of cool animals and there’s one where you can kinda see his face in the background. I get it — you like animals, I see you once traveled somewhere with Tigers, but like who are you? I’d probably still date him though because I’d rather spend time with puppies than humans anyway.

Suggested Alternative: Have a cuter dog — like an Australian Shepherd or a Husky.

OK, still into it.

Dean the brake pumper (also fuck boy)

A little harder to explain, so bear with me here, but Dean is the ultimate walk-it-backer. He went all in real fast with Kristina — they spent the production break traveling together while they discussed teeth whitening methods and took shots every time they out “my family is more fucked up-ed” each other. But the second they return to Paradise where Kristina shows excitement about their future and Dean finds out that Dlo is coming, he decides to pump the brakes. It’s like four great dates and one solid lay in with that Bumble dude when you start to think there is some serious boyfriend potential, and he casually mentions that he’s not looking for anything serious. Why didn’t you just say that before — we wouldn’t have had to wait so long to fuck.

The worst part about brake pumpers like Dean is that they will continue to give you just enough to keep you holding on, but never enough to make you feel good about yourself. Kristina should walk herself right on over to Jack Stone — he will lock her in his room and give her all the attention she deserves.

Suggested Alternative: Honesty and kindness and like a little bit of self respect — half birthdays are not a thing.

Yes, yes you do.

Honorable Mentions

Robby the Peacock-er: Just because you have loud clothing does not mean you have an interesting personality.

No you’re crazy.

Diggy the Dreamboat: Everything is perfect here. You rock those hipster glasses, cute smile and real career. I don’t even care that you made Lacey cry, I’ll swipe right on you any day.

I’d even be okay with you having a shirtless photo in your profile.

I hope this post will serve as a cautionary tale for those of you that are still swiping: be aware, and stay far away from the Dean’s and Iggy’s of the world.

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