Lessons from the Bachelor Week 2: Do not have a one night stand at a wedding. Do show your breasts just because.

I really have to thank Nick and this season of the Bachelor for all of the seriously spot on dating advice I have received. I now know what type of behavior deserves reward and recognition (taking your top off and asking a man you have just met to hold your breasts), and what type of behavior is frowned upon and deserves punishment (thinking a wedding hookup can be anything more than a wedding hookup). I must admit that I have first hand experience with the latter and it didn’t work out too well for me either, so now it’s official: a wedding hookup should only ever be a one night stand. You can thank me and Nick Viall later for taking this wise and inspiring advice.

Despite the enlightening and empowering dating advice we all received, this week was particularly painful to watch. And not just because there was no rose ceremony (which causes me deep emotional distress as I rely heavily on weekly ballgowns and drunken meltdowns for complete satisfaction and blog writing material), but because I really had high hopes for Nick. And so far it looks like he might actually be an asshole who only cares about fame, sex, dramatic television storylines, abs, and his perfect facial hair. Sighhhh.

Anyway, Liz was the only girl to go home, and here are my insights:

Corinne: After realizing she wasn’t the most naked girl on the “let’s take wedding photos group date”, Corinne decides to take her bikini top off during her “beach wedding” photo shoot. Because what beach wedding does not end with — a half naked couple in a swimming pool not anywhere near the beach, the groom’s hands cupping the naked breasts of his “bride” while all his other girlfriends sit poolside for a front row seat? Nick then rewarded this behavior by granting Corinne the group date rose. This show is nothing if not realistic. Corinne is definitely this season’s Chad, but instead of constantly eating raw sweet potatoes and physically threatening fellow contestants, Corinne will constantly interrupt any girl attempting a conversation with Nick and physically throwing herself at a man 12 years her senior — ultimately pushing far beyond the point of what can be considered consensual. This is going to be gold. I am scared, but excited, but mostly scared.

Is he enjoying this, or is he contemplating the true definition of consent?

The One-on-One Date: We got a helicopter, yacht, hot tub, AND a Ferris Wheel all on date 1! Is there even anything else left to do for the rest of the season? Did they pull out all of the stops because although Danielle M. is super sweet, she’s a little on the normal and put together side for reality tv? Could Nick actually choose a blonde, or was this a wasted helicopter ride? Girl’s got a great first name — last initial combo tho, so Danielle M. solidarity. I hope she win’s, but also I don’t because I chose Vanessa as my bracket winner.

Cheers to a great bob and the semblance of normalcy.

Liz: Ooph, what a train wreck. This girl deciding to come on the Bachelor was her playing out an exaggerated version of my worst nightmare: Sleep with a guy while drunk, then be in a forced social situation with him and wonder if he has any interest in a repeat sesh. While Liz did appear to be a little crazy and was obviously more than slightly motivated by flighting tv fame, I totally sympathize with the level of over-analyzing she had to go through on that group date. Nick sending her home made sense- he just wasn’t that into her, but let’s not forget he did basically the same thing on Kaitlyn’s season, so him putting all the blame on Liz is some bullshit. Now we will never understand Liz’s gigantic back tattoo, and that’s just something we are going to have to live with.

This. was. a. terrible. mistake.

And now for some Bachelor franchise firsts from this week:

  • First time a girl wears a pantsuit jumper for a one-on-one date dinner. Danielle M. rocked it.
  • First time the franchise has featured a diverse and bisexual contestant. Jaimi — please, please, please make a move on one of the girls in the house.
  • First time I legitimately think the lead is just in it for the boobies. Two topless girls and a boob-iversary in one episode can not be coincidence.
  • First time an interruption has been interrupted. Unprecedented, and simply just rude. There is interruption etiquette (according to Corinne’s rules of The Bachelor).
but if you can’t handle an interruption being interrupted, then you just have morals.

And finally, a personal message to Nick: I hope you redeem yourself next week by continuing to set Rachel up to be the next bachelorette. But if you don’t, I hope you will take your shirt off every episode for the rest of the season. Thank you.

*Written while fighting back tears over Obama’s goodbye speech.

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