Lessons from The Bachelor Week 4: Bella Viall is the true hero and Nick’s mom is actually Claire Underwood.

Claire Underwood — — — — — — — — — — — — — — - Claire Underwood w/ a smile.

Nick’s family has had more screen time with the Bachelor franchise than most contestants ever get (Whitney and Astrid — who are you even?), and we have therefore been blessed with the opportunity to watch Bella Viall (Nick’s youngest sister) grow up. During the years Nick spent building a career out of getting his heart broken and making lisps cool again, Bella has grown into a wise, kick ass soccer playing young lady. Your future is bright girl, lets hope your early fame doesn’t turn into a Lindsay Lohan/Amanda Bynes situation.

Bella on Andi’s season — — — — — — — — — — — — — — -Bella today

This week Nick and the girls travelled to Wisconsin and did some Wisconsin like things that Nick had obviously never done before (milked a cow and shoveled some shit), and by the grace of the producer gods, Corinne made it through another rose ceremony so there is obviously lots to talk about. But first let us bid farewell to Brittany and Christen — both normal looking girls who I have already forgotten everything about. Your impact was non existent, we definitely won’t be seeing you in Paradise, but I am sure you will soon be using SugarBearHair vitamins. Now onto the good stuff:

  1. Divorce still qualifies as a sob story: Danielle L. and Nick’s one-on-one was awkward and boring and full of fake giggles. This girl has no personality and I am fairly certain she can now share the title of “most one word answers on a date” with Chris Soules, the worst bachelor in franchise history. But she looks like a more exotic version of Andi Dorfman and poor girl comes from a broken home, so obviously she received a rose. Also she has great boobs, which I am sure in no way influenced Nick’s decision to keep her around.
Nick: “I am definitely not looking at your breasts”. Danielle L: “Yea, heheheh, yea”.

2. This week on The Corinne Show: Corinne is really quite good at this. She is consistent in her complete lack of fucks given about anyone else or how she is perceived, she never backs down or admits to faults of any kind, she lives in an alternate reality in which everyone is “attacking her”, and she chooses to use alternative facts (see: I had a panic attack and I had a serious medical condition and almost had to go to the hospital). Recent history has proven this to be an extremely effective tactic when trying to win an election…I mean reality competition, so I am now convinced that she will win. I will be reaching out to Liz to see if she is available to organize the “Women-rejected-by-Nick March”.

Winner.

3. I like Raven, but also I’m terrified. Raven grew on me this week and she has some serious top 4 potential. But, she also went into extremely graphic detail when describing how she caught her ex cheating and I’m worried she might be a bit unstable. No one needs to hear the words “thrusting” and “vagina” in sequence, and were you really wearing stilettos when you kicked in his door and beat him down? I’m excited to see where this goes, and hope we get to see her beat down a door to catch Nick thrusting Corinne.

Capable of murder? An alien? Both realistic possibilities.

4. Josephine gets her moment. Our unemployed nurse got her minute in the spotlight this week as she encouraged a brewing catfight between Corinne and Taylor. Over numerous drinks and countless appetizers, Josephine egged Corrine on, setting the stage for what I am sure will be an epic two-on-one date next week. Thanks for that Josephine, you can get ready to go home now. Also those pigs in a blanket looked bomb.

Champagne, bagel bites, and drama.

And lastly, an update on Alexis and I’s friendship: Nicolas Cage’s acting also give me nightmares. Let’s be besties.