Lessons from The Bachelorette Weeks 1–3: If Kareem Abdul-Jabbar can love the Bachelor franchise, then so can I.

Weekly posts are just not going to happen this season — maybe it’s because I am no longer running a Bach bracket and I’m worried that without the built in audience no one will give a shit, or because my life is more interesting now and I just don’t have time, or maybe it’s because I actually like Rachel and feel bad criticizing her love journey with snarky medium posts that receive on average of 75 views each. While any of those are plausible excuses (besides the interesting life one), it’s probably just because I am a little bit lazy. BUT, Rachel deserves my praise and her suitors deserve my snark — so here are my thoughts so far…

Things to note: Iggy is wearing slip on’s, Dean opted against a smile, and Rachel is fly AF.

Celebrity Appearances

We are only 3 weeks in and have already had more celebrity sightings than in all prior seasons combined (fact not verified, please don’t check. Jimmy Kimmel doesn’t count). TBH, I feel a bit better about myself and my Bach obsession knowing that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is also a franchise fan. If Kareem can do it, so can I.

Do you think this is Kareem contemplating where his life went wrong and how he ended up here? No — me neither.

The group date visit to the Ellen show was delightful, and I have two important observations:

1. If Rachel ends up with Bryan, I hope she makes him feel real bad about referring to her as “his sloppy seconds”. The only thing sloppy about Rachel is her decision to allow Bryan to viciously make out with her face.

In the words of Andi Dorfman — this is NOT OKAY.

2. I deeply appreciate Ellen’s commitment to having half naked men dancing on her show. I know you don’t like men Ellen — so thank you, truly.

Only 1 of these images is from the Bachelorette Ep, but really it could be any of them. Thanks again Ellen — you da best.

Rachel’s Eligible-ish Men

This is by far the best pool of contestants The Bachelor(ette) has ever seen (by ever I mean since Andi’s season since that is when I started watching. Maybe there were some winners in the earlier 2000’s I don’t know. But I doubt it). Many of the guys have actual jobs — i.e, Education Software Manager, Lawyer, Chiropractor, and Professional Wrestler/ex Chip ‘n’ Dale dancer, there are only like 3 personal trainers, and ABC did a fairly decent job on the diversity front; 11 black suitors (5 of which are already gone…oops), 1 guy who wears glasses (more screen time for Diggy please), 1 dude (Iggy)- who was likely Disney’s inspiration for Maui — The Rock’s character in Moana, and only 1 Donald Trump supporting white supremacist. Oh and this slightly more elf like version of Luke Pell:

But despite the high(er) quality suitor pool overall, it’s already obvious who Rachel should choose: the slightly gap toothed, painfully handsome Wisconsin boy: Peter. I don’t even care that he is actually a personal trainer — he loves dogs, didn’t kiss and tell on Ellen, and is the sexiest salt-and-pepper/grey fox of all time (sorry Anderson Cooper and my boyfriend Brad, you have been replaced). The only acceptable alternative to a Rachel & Peter engagement would be for Rachel’s ex Kevin Durant to show up and win her back, leaving Peter with a broken heart that can only be mended by being the next Bachelor.

The perfect family.

Rachel Is The Shit

And finally, a few of the reasons why Rachel is cooler than all of us and is by far the best Bach lead we have ever seen:

1.She won’t stand for anyone’s bullshit: Be it a produced boy fight between two awful contestants (Lucas and Blake — you will not be missed), or a guy who may or may not have ghosted his girlfriend, Rachel isn’t about putting up with producer attempts to flare up drama. She got rid of all 3 in one night and gave zero fucks while doing so. If Nick were half as strong as Rachel, Corinne would have been gone week 2.

2. She has the best words: Rachel can actually formulate articulate sentences and string them together into real conversations. This is a skill we have not yet seen from a Bach lead, and it is quite impressive.

Gif that perfectly combines points 1 and 2…

3. She brought her dog on a date: Self explanatory.

4. She’s back at work: Girl has a real job and is significantly less likely than all previous leads to pursue full time Instagram fame (she’s already back at her law firm in Dallas). I loved Andi, but I was deeply saddened by her decision to quit lawyering and move to New York to pursue lifestyle blogging.

Me to anyone trying to say Rachel isn’t the best.

Stoked for this season and Rachel to continue being awesome, and can’t wait for Rachel to send Lee’s racist ass home.

In case you were wondering what a piece-of-shit-asshole-who-doesn’t-deserve-Rachel looks like…