The Rocky Ride of Reading: Relationships in lieu of Ifemelu and Obinze in Americanah

PART 1: Criticism for a Non-Academic Audience

The Rocky Ride of Reading: Relationships in lieu of Ifemelu and Obinze in Americanah

My reading is defined by my relationship. Now, on the surface that may seem like a cliche but I defy that assumption, thank you sir/madam. Well, perhaps it makes me a cliched perspective, but not a cliched thinker. And I like to think of myself as more morally upstanding because of it. I am getting married in twenty two days. My wedding is in semester break, on the ninth of July. So I’d like to hope I have some semblance of a grasp on relationships. I’m doing the whole premarital counselling, which has been a breeze (bit of a humble brag here), and have been reading and absorbing books on navigating marriage and relationships through the rocky ride called life. I still don’t claim to be an expert, but I see the relationship of Ifemelu and Obinze as drastically flawed, despite the supposed happy ending. Despite the aura of soul mates that supposedly encapsulates them (The Economist). No amount of destiny should lead to an affair. I’m sorry, that’s just the bad angel, devil or whatever on your shoulder. And the idea that they were meant to be together, I do see that, but they went about it in a morally flawed and selfish manner.

I read Americanah, I’ll be honest, a mere few days before my English class. I was surprised at how I inhaled the pages, with enthusiasm and swiftness, making the book an effortless delight. The weaving and waving narrative enthralled me. I loved the characters through the rocky ride called life. But I did not love the ending. It left me balancing tenuously in the middle of a see saw. The ripple effect and ramifications the sexual encounters, and coupling of Obinze and Ifemelu was confusing and caused a furrowing of eyebrows. To me, the idea of an affair is simply never okay. And they way Ifemelu handled their relationship, disjointed and dishonest, was not conducive to a healthy relationship. If it was true love and what not, I can understand why Ifemelu felt utterly sickened by her actions with the tennis coach (Adichie 154), but if it was true love, why did she cut him off ? Why did she not face the consequences and discussion of her actions? Why did she not turn to Obinze for help, guidance and assistance (Adichie 155)? When I was young, you’d always hear that typified idea that communication is key in a marriage (Navran 173). And now, I can’t imagine not telling my fiance every single finite detail of what has occurred to me, how I am feeling, and my situations and troubles. No matter how problematic or upsetting they may be for him, or myself. You still have to have the hard conversations (Navran 173). And Ifemelu did not. Sure, I do understand it is a circumstance in which I, a middle class white female with viable financial resources, could never imagine. But I cannot imagine her reaction as in love. Turn. Shun. Ignore. And not look back for so many years.

Ifemelu found other men, she loved again (Adichie 194, 312), and seemed to not really mind that she had thrown away the love of her life over not having one tricky conversation. Yet, she unfairly expected him to drop everything to love her incessantly, and return to her side without moral hinderance or hesitation (Adichie 453). My fiance and I, before we got engaged went on a brief hiatus. But we did still love each other. We didn’t turn to someone else. We worked really hard to figure out how to redefine, sort out our problems, align our ideals, and come forth two months later stronger than ever. And we did. We had all the hard conversations, even when it would hurt (Sanford 97). To make sure once we were back in, we were all in. Hence, he put a ring on it five months later. Take that, critics.

All the premarital counselling exercises I am undertaking are about expressing feelings and being able to honestly explain how something your partner is doing is making you feel or react (Capuzzi, Stauffer 88). Yes, communication is key to the rocky ride we call life, and I don’t think Obinze and Ifemelu had fully grasped this. The characterisation, and character motivations are somewhat tenuous, as Ifemelu returns to Obinze because he is her “home” (Hidalgo 10), showing her as defining her identity in Obinze (Abionia 64, Back 54), and as polarised through Curt and Blaine, unless you can have conversations about race, you do not have a foundation of a relationship (Arabian, Rahiminezhad 538), and constantly search for satisfaction and selfish fulfillment (Norridge 82). These ideas are unrealistic to what I have seen and experienced in my own relationship and seen in other long and successful marriages. Yes, I know I may sound condescending and pretentious, but I am merely polarising the lens through which I read. If you have ever seen the television show, “Friday Night Lights”, you may know that Eric and Tami Taylor are known as the most accurate representation of a marriage on television (Lee). And while Ifemelu and Obinze are disjointed, disconnected and hindered by distance and miscommunication, if they are indeed what society deems as true destined love, should they not embody some morally upstanding facets in their relationship, like Eric and Tami?

Perhaps I should not always expect adults to make wise decisions, or navigate a perfect relationship. But when I think about not telling Daniel something, it makes me feel mildly ill. I do not understand how Ifemelu could have kept such a secret, and not fought hard to retrieve the so called love of her life. Daniel is the love of my life, and I don’t plan on letting him sneak off anytime soon.

I have been the Buchi (Adichie 464). I have been a child in the midst of a splitting marriage in the rocky ride. I can tell you, it is not ideal. As an almost married woman, people may think I am naive in saying this, but divorce is not an option for me. I remember Daniel once told me that he worried I would be more inclined to divorce until my sister stated adamantly, “I would rather shoot myself in the head than get divorced,” to which I emphatically agreed, erasing all concerns Daniel had. And I still stand by this. While I believe certain adulterous situations, and obviously domestic abuse, are adequate causes for divorce, I have known some happily married couples that have worked through adultery. And my own mother once told me that if my father had conceded to counselling, they may never have gotten divorced after all.

I have been reading a very famous and renown book on marriage called His Needs, Her Needs, and it is about “building an affair proof marriage” (Harley 7). Shockingly, it informed me that often people who never dreamed of having an affair wake up one day, and realise they have been sleeping with someone else, purely because their partner has not being fulfilling a vital facet of their emotional needs(Harley 19–21). And thus, the cycle begins. A cycle of feeling unloved, and hence not enthusiastic to give love in return. If someone waltzes into their life who does fulfill that abscess in their relationship, that can lead to dangerous things. Life can be rocky.

Now my real question here, is do we see this sort of behaviour in Kosi and Obinze’s relationship, and by extension, Ifemelu? Obinze feels some sort of mystical happiness from Ifemelu he does not get with Kosi, but that is a typical symptom in any affair, according to my research (Adichie 464). Do we see any vital need to feel loved in some way, that Kosi is not satisfying, and Ifemelu is? No. To me it appears his justification for abandoning the woman he is committed to are the feelings and emotions of the destined true love, Ifemelu, who threw him away (Adichie 464). Relationships are rocky. But it is up to the participants to stand, feet apart, steadying the see saw.

When I was reading the latter part of the book, snuggled in my bed, I remember frowning, with an incredulous expression, when Obinze refuses sexual advances from his wife (Adichie 461). And yes, I know, he feels guilty et cetera (Side note — he feels guilty because he knows what he has done is wrong, but I digress). But regardless, he is biologically and inclined and feels love through sex (Harley 54), and she is not leaving him unfulfilled in this way. Or any way. Apart from of course the fact that he never wanted to marry her, something which is now her problem apparently (Adichie 459, 464). She all but seems like a wonderful wife. She is caring, supportive and a good mother. Yes, she seems a tad vapid at times, and seems not to fully comprehend the depth of Obinze’s internal thoughts and monologue. But sometimes, when Daniel is upset and moody, I cannot always say the correct thing to perfectly understand his thought process. The fact Obinze is not communicating his thoughts, despite being enveloped in her world through the life and wealth he created for himself, is a bit vapid and arrogant in itself.

Women are vastly different to men. In so many ways. I have so many ‘ah-hah’ moments when reading some of my marriage books. And Americanah portrays Kosi as this awful narcissist who does not understand Obinze properly (Adichie 464). thus he MUST run off with some other girl who abandoned him who he has always secretly loved to have sex with her. That is not how it works. Even though Kosi knows about the affair, she still acts normal in loving and respecting her husband, her vows and her daughter. Yes, she should have communicated better perhaps, and Obinze himself does eventually crack and tell her. She tries to convince him to stay due to the commitments he has made Adichie 464), because she values them and solemnly made them, whereas Obinze did not. He should respect the commitment he has made, and not chicken out by the pathetic excuse of not feeling like marrying her when he did. It is his responsibility to have thought of that before he made vows, and before he created a child.

In the end, he still leaves his family for Ifemelu (Adichie 477). The classic Hollywood ending, he ends up with the person he was meant to be with. But I do not like the avenue they took to get there. So much heartbreak. Is it worth it? Kosi appeared to be a good wife, and Obinze appeared to be the distant unfulfilling husband. But yet he had the affair. You may say that I have no idea what will happen a decade or so down the road. For all I know my marriage could be in a shambles. But does that mean I pick up and leave, run off with some other man, without thinking about the emotional and psychological ramifications it will have on my child and partner? Dear God, I hope not. Truly. It means that you fight for the one you committed to. You fight for who you married. You chose that person. And while Obinze sauntered somewhat reluctantly into the marriage, and I am bouncing willingly and excitedly, it does not give him the excuse to flit right back out when he feels it is not what he hoped for. You make a marriage what you hope for. You work hard to fix the mess. And if it does not turn out exactly as you hoped for, you go with it. You create new goals, new dreams, new hopes, new roles and new ways to love each other. So is the rocky ride we call life.