If I Ever Write a Memoir, it Will be Titled “A Divine Comedy of Errors”
Within the month of August I have been more candid and have shared more about myself and my life than I have ever, really. A part of me inside still has the fear. That fear that my sharing is inapropriate and dramatic. That fear that others will think all that I seek out is their attention and sympathy. “Attention Seeking” is a major misconception/generalization/label that is a stigma for anyone that shares my diagnosis (or any form of mental illness, for that matter). And of course “wanting attention” is an accusation that has been thrown in my face quite a bit throughout my life. If I were to be honest, then I would say that I wholly prefer NOT being the center of attention… I am certainly more at ease with not being seen much at all. Furthermore, I have always been quite wary of what I share about myself and who I share it with. This is largely due to my stigma of being a borderline, in addition to my crippling trust issues and fears of abandonment. I don’t want the people that I care about to know ANYTHING about me that they might not like to know. I do not want to be judged. I do not want to alienate myself any more than I have to.
Despite all of the reason that I have not to share, I had to step out of my bubble of invisibility earlier this month and expose myself though, god forbid, social media. I did this for a few reasons. One, social media is my primary connection to almost everybody in my life. My family and I do not live in the same state, I have close friends all around the world, and so on. Secondly, I found it to be extremely cathartic being so brutally honest about myself and about my efforts to want to change, and I wanted everyone to know that I am writing and posting these things for ME because I want to stop being my own worst enemy. Third reason was that I had to finally stand up for myself to those who I have been fearing my whole life, those very humans who I did not want judging or abandoning me. For the first time in my life I had defended myself and stood up to those who have (and will) continue to have a distorted view of who I am as a person. But they will no longer have any part in distorting the vision that I have of myself. These people are members of my own family. And my ex husband. And if I have any say in the matter, I would say that it is best for me to never again have contact with these people.
My ex can go eat crow. It seriously just felt awesome to finally stick up for myself and let him know that he cannot bother me anymore. I no longer fear him. His words cannot get to me and he can no longer touch me… and he is pathetic for thinking otherwise. If you are interested in how that correspondence went, then read my previous entry. It is, at the least, amusing. Keep in mind that he talked to me like this for 8 YEARS.
My family was a bit more difficult for me to shut out. However difficult it was, it was something that I unfortunately had to do for myself. I have been telling myself that this was a long time coming and that I cannot continue to try fixing something that has already been shattered into dust. I cannot align and straighten any perception that is much too tangled and much too crooked. I can no longer expect people who are willingly myopic, no matter who these people may be, that it is much healthier to see reality in 20/20 vision.
When I am more ready then I will elaborate and share more of the stories that have led me to where I am at now. Those are subjects that will be covered in future blog posts, because this blog is now part of my therapy and I hope that perhaps my words may help just one person out there who may feel as lost as I still do at times, but wants validation that they are not the problem. The purpose of my writing what I am now is to be thought of as more of a preface written on a clean slate, an introduction to a me that I do not know as well as I would like to know, but someone that I want to try to know and believe in better. I am a person that is characteristically flawed but honest to a fault, and I finally want to see the me that friends tell me they see. I am slowly making progress in bettering myself. I have the help of a lot of groups, DBT skills and training and otherwise. I have gradually began to see the benefits, and I am so excited to continue seeing where I can possibly go from here. I have a lot of people who I can lean on, a few very close friends and a Jason who show nothing but unconditional love and understanding me, all while trying to get me to understand the me that they have understood for several years. I will leave you all with a surprise note that I found from Jason. It was scrawled on some notes that I took for ideas on a possible writing project in the future. He never fails to remind me that it really is the little things.