I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I don’t really see a point to it all. The only people that know the answer to life are the people that are already dead. The feeling of dread creeps in again. I can’t quite put a finger on what creates this feeling of anxiety as I walk in the dark towards my friend Benjamin’s house. I’ve been here a thousand times but tonight it feels different. I know who’s going to be there. Everyone. Of course Lilith will be there, because she never misses a house party if there’s booze, even if she’s not invited. I’m excited to see Adam again; it’s been a long time since he’s been out to socialize since his break up with Ava. Oh the beautiful Ava, her goodness draws you in like a moth to flame. Sweet and innocent, I would not be surprised if she died a virgin in the House of Christ. A party wouldn’t be a party without a mix pot of other personalities I’m sure to find. I’m always surprised at what kind of people show up to happenings like this.

Walking through the door, I see something that I’ve never seen before. There engraved in the archway of the front door is “Nosce Te Ipsum.” After reading the words an intriguing sense of calm falls over me as I close the door behind me ready to brace myself for the night ahead.

The living room is filled with people that don’t notice that I’ve walked in. I see Benjamin in the kitchen setting up the tap for Pabst. Who knew they still even made kegs of Pabst, like 40-cent cans weren’t cheap enough? As Benjamin looks up from what he’s doing he’s glad to see me, smiling he waves me in and says, “It’s time to release the Kraken,” as he pumps the foam out and into the bucket below. The smirk he’s wearing tells me he’s not just talking about the beer.

I grab a beer and take a seat on the arm of the crowded couch and watch the spectacle that is beer pong that’s set up in the middle of the room. Lilith’s mirthful laugh echoes off the walls as she shamelessly flirts with every attractive male that has less than half a brain. Yes, she likes them stupid. As the boys jeer at her primal sexuality, their eyes twinkle with hopeful promise. I’m envious at how she can be so free with herself. Maybe if I wasn’t in a long distance committed relationship, that made me feel trapped by my own sense of morality, I could be like her.

I shun the longing I have for feeling alive like that, and find solace in finding lonely Ava sitting at the dining room table with a soda in her hand. I decide to walk over and commiserate with her. She looks up at me beaming but I can see the sadness in her eyes at the loss of her last boyfriend Adam. They were definitely a truly special couple. Ava’s promise ring glitters off the dim light and gabs my attention. If only she wasn’t promised to God until marriage, maybe Adam would have stayed around a bit longer. We’re all too young for that long distance carrot at the end of the stick. She should have known.

I’ve been staring too long, and she notices. “I know what you see, and you’re right,” she says. I’m confused. What am I right about? She looks down and begins. “In this epoch of science it’s hard to imagine an unshakable faith in the divine. Religions might come and go, and change and go, but what’s behind them doesn’t.” My mind feels blank as I absorb that.

The light comes back to her eyes as she continues, picking up steam. “You want what I have, but you can’t accept it without seeing it. Let it go. You are right, you would be happier if you had faith.” She gets up and leaves me sitting there wondering where and when I lost my faith. I used to have such an assurance in the universe. My father in life and death instilled that in me, I wonder where it went. The longing for it seeps back in and I find myself sinking deeper into myself.

Benjamin finds me sitting there and he goes and refills my beer. He’s the yang to my yin. The guy I’d be, if I were born a guy. Confident, charismatic, a person everyone goes to for sage advice. He laughs at the melancholy mask that seems to have been painted on my face for the last few months. He puts his hand on my shoulder,“ Everything you think you are, is only a grain of sand in the Sahara of the Self and Danielle it’s time to wake up!” he says and kisses me on the lips.

Benjamin’s warm lips turn into hot white smoke that fills my lungs and becomes part of me. I’m choking as I see everyone else in the room rush towards me. The jocks wrestling in the corner, the girls who have been reapplying their lip gloss all night, Lilith in her tight black pants, and even the glowing Ava is there pushing up against me. The weight of all the bodies crashing into me is becoming painful. My body feels like its breaking and the pain is making me gasp for air.

My eyes open, but bright light makes me shut them again. The party and smoke are gone and I find myself lying in bed. I feel an ache as I stand to go look at myself in the mirror. I touch my puffy lips and find that I’ve bitten down on it while dreaming. I wipe the blood off my lip and I feel its release. I feel a sense of wholeness that I’ve has been missing. I know myself. I was everyone and everything in my dream. I can choose to be who I am in the moment and create balance in life that will make me happy. Nosce Te Ipsum. Know Thyself.