When you’re experiencing an episode, every emotion is heightened, dominating your being like an unidentified entity creeping up on you and taking over who you are. Your genetic makeup no longer holds. You become the emotion.
Emotions are rather tricky. They can go out of control without warning. When you become an emotion, you behave like so. Wild, indescribable by just words, furious, freaky. A walking irrationality.
Sadness is an emotion; depression, its manifestation. Down in the darned dumps. A single blow feels like a thousand punches all at once. Your body behaves like goo, behaving as gravity controls it, gravity having an even greater pull on you than usual. Your willpower significantly deteriorates. Each and every external force defeats you. Even the most mundane task tires you out. You learn to be helpless, which in effect, compels you to do absolutely nothing about your worn-down state.
At the other end of the pole, euphoria. A “natural high”. Your energy levels are abnormally elevated. Every little win feels like a much-coveted championship. Every single breath is like any given moment when you’re on recreational drugs. Thoughts run your mind like they were racing against each other. You catch insomnia, and not even the tiring kind. Pumped up, you feel invincible, without limit — unstoppable.
For the longest time, I thought emotions were just regulated by the heart. Well, not literally, but I thought that they were produced by something else that went beyond human anatomy. I thought emotions transcended science. I was wrong, in a way. Like regular physical illnesses, mental illness is a product of an organ that has miscomputed, which is, in this case, the human brain.
For the longest time too, I always thought that there was a fine line that separated science from the supernatural. As I grow older, however, I find the difference between the two get blurrier and blurrier.
To try to make sense of it all, well it’s just rather taxing.