Dan Janal
Dan Janal
Aug 29, 2017 · 3 min read

Inside a car. Teen-aged girl is sitting at steering wheel. Middle-aged man with clipboard sit in front passenger seat

GIRL: I’m so nervous. I flunked my last two driving tests.

MAN: Don’t worry. All my students pass.

GIRL: Why is that?

MAN: I’m a very good driving tester. No worries. Let’s start. Please drive to the corner and stop.

GIRL: Thank you. I feel so safe and secure now. My other driving testers were jerks.

MAN: Why was that?

GIRL: I don’t think they had any people skills. They were just very cold and uninspiring.

MAN: I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that with me. I’m a friendly guy. Please drive to the corner.

Girl drives to corner and stops.

MAN: See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?

GIRL: No. That was easy! You’re a very good driving tester!

MAN: Thank you. Now let’s try something a bit more difficult. Pull up to those cones and parallel park.

GIRL: I’m not a very good parallel parker.

MAN: Well, let’s see what you can do.

Girl runs over the cones.

GIRL: Ooops. I told you I wasn’t a very good parallel parker.

MAN: Well, I’m going to have to mark you down for that one. You’re going to have to work on that. But don’t worry. Many people have trouble at first. I’m sure you’ll do better next time.

GIRL: Thank you. You’re so kind.

MAN: Okay, let’s try the three-point turn.

GIRL: I’m not very good with those either.

Girl runs over the curb.

GIRL: Ooops. I don’t know if I’ll ever get the hang of driving!

MAN: Sure you will.

GIRL: If I fail this test, my dad will ground me. I’ve failed twice before and he said our insurance rates will go through the roof if I have three fails on my record! I won’t be able to drive! I have to pass.

MAN: Well, you failed two major tests. It’s going to be hard to give you a passing grade.

GIRL: Oh no!

MAN: There are a few more tests, though. And if you pass those, you’ll pass the exam.

GIRL: What other tests are there? I thought those three things were the biggies.

MAN: Well, there’s one more test I give my special students, like you.

GIRL: Really?

MAN: Yes. And everyone who passes that test gets to wipe out all the bad marks from the other test. So they’ll have a 100 percent on the test.

GIRL: Wow! That sounds like a hard test.

MAN: Not really. It’s actually pretty simple.

GIRL: What do I have to do?

MAN: See those trees over there? Pull in between the trees.

GIRL: But that’s not on the main driving course.

MAN: It’s just a little bit off the side. It won’t matter.

GIRL: Are you sure that’s allowed? I thought all testing was supposed to be done in this area?

MAN: It’s just on the other side. It’s the same thing.

GIRL: I’m not sure about that.

MAN: It will be all right. I’m in the tester. I take full responsibility.

GIRL: Okay.

Girl drives to tree area

GIRL: It sure is dark here. I can barely see the school. It feels so secluded.

MAN: You did that well. Now, here’s the test. It won’t be difficult.

GIRL: What do I have to do?

MAN: It is just like you are out on a date with your boyfriends.

GIRL: What do you mean?

MAN: Let’s just say this part of the test takes place in a car. But you don’t have to drive.

GIRL: What are you saying?

MAN: Like I said, what do you do with your boyfriends in their cars?

GIRL: Well, we make out and stuff.

MAN: Well, it’s the stuff that I’m interested in.

GIRL: What are you saying?

MAN: I think you know what I’m saying.

GIRL: I know, but I like to hear it. I like it when my boyfriend talks dirty to me.

MAN: Okay, this is going to be fun. I want you to s*** my d***.

GIRL: You are so busted!

Police swarm the car

MAN: WTF?

GIRL: I’m Policewoman O’Brien, undercover squad. You are under arrest. We have this car miked. We got complaints from several young women about you soliciting sex from minors. Now we have you on tape and film asking for sex. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Do you understand your rights?

MAN: Yes.

O’BRIEN: Take him away, boys.

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    Dan Janal

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    Dan Janal