SCENE: 911 Emergency Dispatch Call Center:
DISPATCHER 1: 911 What’s your emergency?
MAN: Are you drowning in mountain of credit card debt?
DISPATCHER 1: This is 911. What are you talking about?
MAN: I’m a telemarketer. I don’t make the calls. I just read the script. Would you like to know how to turn your credit card debt into just pennies in just seconds?
DISPATCHER 1: No. And don’t call back. (Hangs up.)
(to DISPATCHER 2). I can’t believe some people. They think every call is a junk call with people trying to sell you stuff! Ugh
DISPATCHER 2: You’re doing it all wrong!
DISPATCHER 1: I am? How so?
DISPATCHER 2: Listen to Edna.
EDNA: 911. What’s your emergency?
WOMAN: My husband. He has a gun. He shot my son. He’s drunk. He’s looking to shoot me!
EDNA: Where are you?
WOMAN: I’m in the bathroom. I locked the door! Hurry!
EDNA: Hey, aren’t you Muriel Webster, 3211 West 17th Street?
WOMAN: Yes! Please hurry!
EDNA: Didn’t you call last week about your husband threatening you with a gun?
WOMAN: Yes. That’s me. Please hurry!
EDNA: Well, it looks like you didn’t take me up on my offer when I suggested you buy our Police Department Approved Gun Locks, did you?
WOMAN: Uh. No. Gun locks?
EDNA: Well, you wouldn’t be in this mess now if you listened to me and bought our item of the week.
WOMAN: I guess not. Are you going to send a police car?
EDNA: Wait just a minute here. It looks like you could you a bulletproof vest.
WOMAN: Yes! I need one!
EDNA: Are there any other people in your household you’d like to protect?
WOMAN: I have a teenage daughter. Thank God, she’s at the cheerleader practice now.
EDNA: So, should I put you down for two, adult, female bulletproof vests? They’re only $99.95 apiece.
WOMAN: Yes, please send a police car now! I hear him coming closer!
EDNA: Well, this is your lucky day! We are actually having a special. If you buy 2 vests, you can get a third one for half price! Should I include that in your order?
DISPATCHER 2: (to DISPATCHER 1) See how she supersized the order! Ha. Ha. The old “Would you like fries with that?” closing technique. Edna’s the best!
WOMAN: I don’t have three adults here. Except my husband. But the cops will kill him, I hope!
DISPATCHER 2: (to DISPATCHER 1) Oh, the old “the cops will kill my husband” excuse. Look at how she turns around that objection.
EDNA: Well, if you have guests over, and your husband gets out of jail, you’re going to be mighty upset you didn’t buy the third vest. Should I include that in your order?
WOMAN: Yes, but send the police. Now!
EDNA: Certainly. Our trusty patrol officers will be happy to deliver this for you.
WOMAN: Isn’t there something you can do for me now?
EDNA: Yes, as a matter of fact, you’ll be happy to know that your order qualifies for free shipping.
WOMAN: Help! He’s blasting through the door!
EDNA: Is sounds like you need our steel bathroom door assembly kit. Would you like to include that in your order? It’s only $399.
DISPATCHER 2: That’s what we call the “cross sell.” It’s important you listen to the customer and empathize with their needs so you can find out what they truly want. Customers don’t really know what they need. It’s our job to help them buy the products that will make their lives safer.
DISPATCHER 1: I’m taking notes.
EDNA: They’re on their way!
WOMAN: How soon will they be here?
EDNA: Every order is guaranteed to be delivered in 30 minutes or it’s free! Have a nice day.
DISPATCHER 2: See, that’s how it’s done.
DISPATCHER 1: No wonder why we’re the only department that got raises last year!