Setting: An outdoor pool party at a hotel
MAN 1: It’s great to be back at our old middle school reunion. Go Wolverines!
WOMAN 1: Go Lady Wolverines!
TRANSWOMAN 1: Go Trans Wolverines!
MAN: Times do change.
WOMAN: For the better.
TRANSWOMAN: Middle school was the worst.
MAN: Yeah, I’ll never forget Butch. He made my life hell.
WOMAN: Your life? What about my life? He called me a slut every day.
TRANSWOMAN: He called me a f*g.
MAN: He gave me swirlies.
WOMAN: He tried to grope me.
TRANSWOMAN: He have me wedgies.
MAN: I hope he rots in hell.
WOMAN: I hope he shows up here so I can give him a piece of my mind.
TRANSWOMAN: He won’t have the nerve.
(A rustling sound is heard offstage.)
ALL: It’s Butch!
BUTCH: Hey, losers! I bet you didn’t think I’d show up!
MAN: We were hoping. But I guess our prayers weren’t answered.
BUTCH, in a wheelchair, enters the scene. The MAN, WOMAN and TRANSWOMAN gasp:
WOMAN: What happened to you? What’s with the wheelchair?
TRANSWOMAN: I’m not surprised. You never had much of a spine.
BUTCH: I was in a car accident. I’m paralyzed from the waist down.
MAN: I thought I read something about that in papers years ago. Weren’t two people killed?
BUTCH: Yeah. No big deal. They were low lifes. You know, from the other side of town. Gotta be politically correct.
WOMAN: How can you say that? Don’t you have any remorse? Two people died!
BUTCH: Yeah, I have remorse. I have remorse that I can’t walk. And I guess I have remorse that I shouldn’t have had that 12th can of beer. But it was a Sunday Football Special, so it wasn’t my fault. The bar made me drink it or lose it.
MAN: I can’t believe how insensitive you are!
TRANSWOMAN: You should be locked up in jail!
BUTCH: Yeah, that’s the beauty of it. I got off scott free because the judge was a Wolverine fan and he remembered the Hail Mary pass I threw that won the state championship!
MAN: So you got off free?
BUTCH: Hey, I’m in a wheel chair. Show some pity.
WOMAN: Pity, hah. Like the time you pushed me up against wall and tried to feel me up?
TRANSWOMAN: Or the times you called me names?
BUTCH: Oh, boo hoo. The past is past. How about showing some compassion and get me a beer?
MAN: You must think we’re part of some Kumbaya crowd. Well, you’re in the wrong place. You never showed any compassion when you went to school here and you sure aren’t showing any compassion now. You deserved what you got.
WOMAN: Yeah. Your Karma bill came due.
TRANSWOMAN: I’m not too sure it has.
MAN: What do you mean?
TRANSWOMAN: Remember the Salem Witch Trials?
BUTCH: Yeah, that was my favorite report. I got an A for that one! My only A in all of school.
TRANSWOMAN: Well, remember how you argued that there were witches? And you called me one?
BUTCH: Yeah. Good times!
TRANSWOMAN: Remember how they decided who was a witch?
BUTCH: That was one paper I actually wrote without paying anyone! Of course I remember. They’d put the witch in a sack with stones, tied it, and threw it into the river. If the witch sank, she was a witch. If she didn’t sink, then she wasn’t a witch. What a great test! Too bad they don’t do that today! I bet we’d find a lot of witches. I bet we’d find some witches right here. In fact, I bet there are some witches real close.
TRANSWOMAN: Well, Butch. You’re in luck. Today’s your lucky day. We get to see if you are a witch! (She steers the wheelchair to the shallow end of the pool and pushes Butch in).
I guess if he sinks, he’s a witch. If he floats, he isn’t a witch.
WOMAN: Now that’s Karma.
MAN: No, that’s a swirlie!