Love: Why is it so complicated?

Dan K
Dan K
Nov 6 · 5 min read

I know I am not the best person to speak on such matters because I've only ever been in love maybe twice in my 34, almost 35, years in existence on this blue and brownish greenish ball that's spinning like a top in the vast Oblivion that is space.

The first time I was in love probably doesn't count because I was young, really young, a child who could not fully grasp the concept of love in all it's myriad, if not infinite, (are those two terms exclusive?) meanings/symbolisms/expressions. Some would say that what I felt was "puppy love," a form of immense adoration or infatuation with someone else.

She was a neighborhood girl who I thought was a jewel amongst the endless grains of sand in the massive desert that was our quaint suburban town that at the age seemed to stretch on forever. She was compassionate, playful, smart, dorky, had a beautiful smile and the most gorgeous hair ever. I was smitten from the first moment I saw her and imagined marrying her when we got older.

Boy did reality have a lot to teach me and not too kindly, mind you. By the time she reciprocated those same feelings, she moved..."far away." Forty five minutes isn't very far but when you're an adolescent and have yet to start driving, it might as well be on the other side of the country. Eventually she started dating someone who became her now husband (I was invited to their wedding, it was beautiful) and my dream shattered.

It was never meant to be, not only because of the distance and circumstance but, other factors which I learned about as I grew older. It's just that I was a hopeless romantic, even at such a young age, who could envision himself settling down with the proverbial "girl next door," and having the perfect relationship.

The second time it happened, I don't know if it was "real" love or something on which I had become dependent. I was in my mid twenties and in a very low point in my life. I was all too vulnerable with no confidence and nothing really going for me both personally and professionally.

She was a girl I used to know from middle school who always had a huge crush on me which, honestly, I never truly felt the same. When we met up again, I made the mistake of getting cozy and kissing her which prompted a rollercoaster of a "romance" that lasted only a little over a year (my longest relationship).

I'm not going to share with you all the sordid details but, suffice it to say, I was a complete piece of shit and had become what I'd always loathed or feared. I became a villain and it was yet another sign that I shouldn't have entered into something for what I was not ready.

I will say that being with her helped me become a better person in certain ways and I loved having someone dependable in my life with whom I could be completely intimate. I don't think it was love though because I didn't love myself and entered into a relationship being the one who was wholly dependent on the other.

There is a reason why relationship experts say that the best and healthiest relationships come from two people who know themselves undoubtedly, know what they want, love themselves and are coming from places of security. If either one is dependent on the other in any way then the relationship will always be lopsided and strained resulting in a multitude of problems.

Now, I'll admit, what inspired me to write this is because I've always known that I wanted a steady long term relationship (basically always wanted to start my own family), a constant diet of love songs and rom-coms or romantic movies in general as well as seeing couples happily together enjoying each other's company.

I started watching Modern Love on Prime and it got me thinking about not only my personal experience but those of others I have met along my journey.

Love is probably the most complicated of all human emotions causing us to feel a variety of other emotions simultaneously. There's the love between parent and child, friend and friend, lover and lover, mentor and disciple as well as other forms and each one has a variance of that special bond.

Society dictates what is "pure, healthy" love but it does come in many forms and some of those manifestations not everyone would agree with them being associated with love.

I've known people who were or are still in abusive, whether it be physically or mentally, relationships and it makes some wonder why?

Those in the psychiatric field would say that they have a lot of deep seeded issues that they have not addressed that keep them in such destructive relationships. Neuro science would say that it's due to a misfiring of synapses in the brain or an imbalance of chemicals.

We have this idea of what we want in a partner and sometimes our preferences outweigh the flaws that are sometimes quite visible. We forego those whom have our best interests at heart for the thing that glitters yet might not be gold. And I'm not one to pass judgement because I, too, am guilty of this practice.

That's the conundrum. A lot of us are attracted to one another by what we see. We don't give others the chance to fall in love with their unique personal expression that makes them animated. That's sad because there are very few good, decent people in the world anymore. Or maybe I'm just part of a small percentage of terrible people. If it's the latter, I'm okay with that. I know I have a lot of growing to do while here on this plane of existence.

A bit of "wisdom" I can pass on is not to get emotionally attached to anyone who doesn't feel the same way because you're unfairly putting a lot of expectations unknowingly on them and you will most likely hurt yourself and whatever relationship you have already with said person.

If you're interested in someone and aren't sure if they feel the same about you then take the chance to tell them and confirm what kind of relationship you two (or more) share. Do it for yourself because you owe yourself a definitive answer even if it's not the answer you were hoping to hear. It's never a good feeling being uncertain of a given situation but the only way to move past that uncertainty is by finding the truth.

So even though what I've had to say (errr type) isn't something you haven't already heard, it's nice to hear again especially when personal anecdotes are added. We're all going through the same thing to a certain degree and it's nice to know there are others feeling the same way or going through the same situations. I wholeheartedly believe one of the reasons we're put here is to experience love because there truly is no greater or divine emotion like love. 😊❤️💛💜🧡

    Dan K

    Written by

    Dan K

    A weirdo just trying to navigate the complexities of life. 🙃