Faux Relationship

You’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how you relate to them. Sometimes you think that you are doomed to be alone by your ingrained nature. That there will always be parts of people that are unknowable to you because you have bunk wiring. You seem to think this seeming un-relation to people is because you understand them too well and you don’t really see much there when you look deep down in them and you’re scared that there’s really that many people out there with nothing really going on inside. That’s not really true, it’s just something to make you feel like you’re better than others. On the opposite hand, you seek validation from others and you do enjoy being in a relationship. You enjoy love and other peoples company in doses. Maybe it’s more accurate to say your nature ruins the relationship. You always think you want a person, then you start to get close to someone and you start to panic. Being vulnerable, in any sense, risks revealing the fact that you’re scared of other people having power over you. Becoming enveloped into someone else’s world, and losing yourself, is a valid concern. But, maybe this inability to be in a relationship is your tendency to only love people in the abstract; when they are still more of a mystery and you can imbue your own hopes and dreams into them. Entire relationships can live in this zone, without even a first date. When they start to solidify, the end result is usually more boring and predictable than the creativity and passion with which you had put into their fake back story, inner thoughts, etc. So how does this get rectified for you? It doesn’t because you’re up your own ass. What you’re really afraid of is someone finding out that you’re just as boring and annoying as everything else. The pedestal you put yourself, and others, on is made of shitty newspaper and wet scotch tape. The distance between you and others is both greater and more easily traversed than you expect.

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