What happens 40 days after death of a loved one?
Today is the first time I have been back to the cemetery since the day we laid him rest and it has been 40 days since his death. According to old Filipino beliefs, it’s his soul’s last day before ascending to heaven. Coincidentally, it’s also all soul’s day which in the Philippines is a widely observed holiday where families travel long distances to visit their departed loved ones.
40 days ago, my brother-in-law, Chris, was on his way to work on his bicycle when he was hit by a reckless driver of an SUV while standing on a pedestrian island, patiently waiting for his turn to cross the street. That day, my sister lost a loving husband, and my 5 year old nephew lost a father who he considers his superhero. I know that these horrible road accidents happen all the time but I never would’ve thought that this could happen to my family.
I could never get over that moment when I saw my nephew who just arrived at the hospital looking confused as to why we were all there hugging him, clueless of what just happened and how drastically his future has changed. If you could only hear the sound of my imploding heart as I look into his innocent eyes. I’ll remember that day when my sister had lost the sparkle in her eyes, absorbing the shock and pain all at once, asking questions to be left unanswered, and realizing that home will never be the same home it was for 7 years.
The days mourning on death of a loved one are slow, silent, and intimate. I feel the dark clouds above my head whenever I drive alone, before going to sleep, waking up, and entering their house. And that’s just how I, as a brother-in-law, feel. I cannot even imagine how much pain my sister is going through. Our family is devastated but we’re trying to hide the pain for her. We’re quietly trying to heal the wounds, or at least stop the bleeding, through the normal day to day things like being beside her until it’s time to sleep. Because I think it’s in the simple things that Chris will be missed the most. As I hear his stories being told by family, friends, colleagues, I realize that a person does not have to invent something ground-breaking or start something monumental or be popular to leave earth with a legacy. One’s legacy is in all the simple things you do for others that change their lives completely. To me, it’s more change than any new technology or monumental event can bring. Legacies are built every day. It’s when you ride your bike to work to lessen traffic. It’s when you give effort in your wife’s side business. It’s always being there for your friends every time there are problems. It’s being a role model to your kid and be the man he can always look up to. See, these little things leave an indelible mark in someone more than anything in the world. It has a direct impact to that person’s life.
40 days ago, this wasn’t supposed to happen. We weren’t supposed to be in the nightly news or a viral post on social media, nor emotionally frustrating settlement meetings about the accident, nor his 5 year old son lighting candles for his grave.
Through the comfort of family and friends, I have hope that this “new normal” will have it’s own sunny days. I promise to become like a second father to my nephew. Justice will be served, and advocacies will be recognized. I admire the strength and faith of my sister with whom I learn that peace is achieved with forgiveness. She told me that if it wasn’t for forgiveness she wouldn’t know how she can survive the situation. Love in our family has never been felt more for we all realize that time and relationships should never be taken for granted. A friend who had lost a son said that accepting the pain and sadness is the most intimate connection we he has with his son and that it makes it okay that it doesn’t go away. With that, I believe that love endures all things even death. We are survived by the love of those who have left us, but fulfilled by sharing it to those who are with us.
#sharetheroad
