Not Everyday is Perfect

Loneliness is a weird conversation for me and not one I talk about often. Mostly, because, I never really feel alone but those times I do, it’s like bricks tied to my feet. It consumes me. Usually for a day and then it passes, fresh with the new sun, but for that one 24 hours — it’s a consuming hell.
Today was one of those days. Loneliness, a deep loneliness seeded for months, bubbled to the surface and popped with emotion. It starts with a lip tremble — you can feel it coming, there’s nothing you can do to stop it — and there it is… the tears. The sobs that could continue for hours but you frantically breathe air and try to suppress it down once more.
My anxiety is never feeling like enough. Do more, be more innovative, be new, be daring, be likable, build trust, know everyone, do everything, smile, hold good posture, take no shit, take all the shit, track success and show my unrelenting value, I think I deserve to be here and get paid XXX for this title… am I doing enough to warrant walking these halls??
I’ve mentally exhausted myself daily since 8th grade. I am tired.
I can’t articulate why this feeling of loneliness and my anxiety go together, other than it just feels that way. Maybe it’s this “army of one” mentality I carry with me: not that the world is out to get me, but I’m out to get the world.
Not everyday is perfect. This is something I have to remind myself when a few hours at the office doesn’t go my way. I am thankful for the support to catch me when I need you. There is a fresh sunrise tomorrow and I am not a failure, nor was today a loss: it is a learning.
Today, we learned.
