Cute Baby

Excuse me — You have a cute baby, and I’m not just saying that. I don’t think all babies are cute. In fact, I think most babies are fairly plain-looking. But your baby… your baby is cute.

Still don’t believe me? That’s perfectly reasonable, but know this: I wouldn’t waste my breath exclaiming that your baby is cute if it wasn’t. You see, my breath is very valuable. I work on Wall Street. Have you seen that statue of the bull? I work right near there.

I’m getting sidetracked. Where was I… Oh! I think you’re baby is cute. Did I already say that? Ok, sorry. Sometimes I think thoughts and I forget to speak them. I wanted to make sure that I gave you that compliment before the moment was lost. It’s funny, some people don’t take that as a compliment. Absurd, right??? Your baby is literally 50% of each of you! I’m literally calling both of you cute by extension. Unless of course you… adopted. Oh. You adopted? My apologies.

Well, the mere fact that you “selected” this baby instead of “creating” it doesn’t detract from my point. I think your baby is cute! You picked a good one. Actually you know what? I think that’s even better. Giving birth to a cute baby only dependent on having cute genes. There’s no skill to that. You gazed upon a sea of one hundred babies and selected a cute one. That’s not luck, that’s true talent.

While I’m at it, I’ll go ahead and admit this: I was not a cute baby. I was not a “fairly plain-looking” baby either. No. I was an ugly baby. I have proof. I don’t have that proof on me at the moment, but in my condo I have a shoebox of photos. One glance at those photos and you’d agree with me. I know you’re skeptical because I’m a reasonably cute adult, but I swear the following: I was not born this way.

In a way, I think you owe me a thank you. It’s individuals like me who give your baby its cuteness. Without ugly babies like myself, all babies would be fairly plain-looking. There would be no contrast among infants. Just an endless sea of hundreds. Curators like yourself would — sorry, I mean adopters like yourself would have nothing to choose from. Your baby is cute and I’m 100% responsible for that. Goodbye now. I have a very important meeting I need to get to.