
Dear NSA: a Tutorial on How To Pronounce My Name
Dear NSA,
I want to teach you how to pronounce my name.
I know there are hundreds of you sitting in an office building in washington tapping into my computer, phone, and Facebook profile at this very moment. I’m well aware that you have my camera and microphone feeds streaming live as I type this. I know that my new roommate who moved in on Monday is probably one of you. He probably has his ear pressed up against my bedroom door and is monitoring my every breath.
I’m sure you do all of this, but I’m not confident that you know how to pronounce my last name. Shockingly few people get it right on the first try. While I’m outraged with all of your unethical tendencies, it would only make things worse if I knew every NSA agent was saying “Danny buh-HAR” behind closed doors. “Did you see what Danny buh-HAR just texted his boss?” The thought is making me cringe.
A few years ago I illegally downloaded an episode of Breaking Bad. I didn’t want to buy it on iTunes, so I pirated it. If by some chance you have my file pulled up right now, and are discussing the Torrented Television Shows section of it, that’s fine. I admit I should have payed for that intellectual property. However, if you’re saying something along the lines of “tomorrow were going to send Danny BEE-har a penalty” I would be infuriated.
One time in 2nd grade, the principal called me “Danny BEAR” over the loudspeaker, and I didn’t correct him. In fact, I didn’t tell a single person in my class, and that day marked the beginning of an era where everyone thought I had a way cooler last name than I really do.
Before anymore NSA agents stumble over my either-hebrew-or-turkish-or-maybe-spanish-(none of us are really sure)-surname, let me take this opportunity to tell you that it is pronounced “BAY-har”.
There. Now wave hi to me. I’m holding a bag a heroin in front of my webcam. You can come arrest me or do whatever it is that you do.
