I confessed to Murder on OkCupid because I am looking for Love

I killed a man in 1988. I threw his body in a river, drove away, and never got caught. It’s been nearly 30 years since then, and only now has proof come forward to put me behind bars. There was no evidence on the body. Nobody questioned me about it either. But last night this survey question popped up on my OkCupid Account and I decided to answer it.

It probably seems crazy that I would respond to this. OkCupid even gave me the option to “Skip this question” but I didn’t take it. Why? I’m looking for love. Not just a random hook up. OkCupid uses these questions to filter the dating pool. By answering this I’m increasing my chances by ten-fold, of finding love. I want to meet somebody that I’m perfectly compatible with, even if that means sharing my opinions and history of killing another human being.

Unbeknownst to me, OkCupid does track anyone who answers this question. This morning they sent me a notification telling me that I had been placed on a government watchlist. To be frank, it makes perfect sense. It would be idiotic for them to NOT do anything about their users that confess to 1st degree murder. I guess it would probably be illegal to ignore all that confessional data or something. Also, you might be wondering how OkCupid knew which degree of murder I committed.

I know both these answers are very incriminating but I just wanted to find a good match. OkCupid’s algorithm has worked for so many people. Thousands have used their technology to find their soulmate. I know I’m ready for love, and I can’t wait to meet my other half.

I’ve already matched with tons of people on the site. In fact, I’m meeting with a lovely woman for coffee this Tuesday! Her name is Cindy. She’s a lawyer and we have plans to get together and talk about how legally binding the things you say on the internet actually are. Also get this: we both love 500 Days of Summer!!! I’m really excited.