You Were the Millionth Visitor to My Website and I Just Wanted to Say Thanks.

originally published Sept. 2014

You probably don’t know me. That’s okay. I’m no hero. I am just the guy created, a website dedicated to providing answers to the anonymous internet users. I’ve run this website for 5 years now and since then I’ve had LOTS of web traffic. I’m incredibly grateful for this. That being said, you were the 1 millionth person to visit my site, and all I wanted to do was say thank you.

One million! That’s a big number. I knew someone was bound to be the millionth, and naturally, I wanted to express my gratitude. I wasn’t going to let the opportunity slip through my fingers. That’s why I set you up with a grand prize. I bought a new MacBook computer out of my own pocket and programmed an alert system that would pop up on your web browser to notify you.

This could have been yours for free. Nothing is better than free! You could have received a new computer! All I really wanted was to thank you for your viewing my website, but when you declined my grand prize and closed your web browser, I won’t lie to you. I was hurt.

My website analytics tell me that you hovered over the picture of the computer for two full seconds. You did not, however, click on the link to claim your prize. I know you probably just found the answer to your question and were ready to move on, but my gut has been telling me otherwise. This is personal. You wanted to torture me.

It’s been two weeks since you pressed those two buttons and performed the “command-Q” keystroke, casting your prize into an unclaimable dark void. I hope you’re happy now that my alcoholism has resurfaced and my wife has custody of the children. I hope you’re satisfied knowing that a simple mouse-click could have prevented the crumbling of my entire household and life’s savings. This MacBook could have been yours, if only you hadn’t been blinded by your greed.

You deserved it too! You were Mr. One Million! You were supposed to select the prize, not toss it aside like garbage! And to be clear, I’m not just assuming your gender. My analytics told me that you were a 28-year-old man connecting to the internet from Kentucky. They also told me that you were browsing my website from another MacBook computer, identical to the one I was offering you. Two MacBook computers! Endless possibilities!

Sadly, you aren’t the first to reject my gratitude. Years ago, I prompted my 1000th visitor to enter his email address so that I could send him a thank you note. I prompted my 10,000th visitor, a teenager from Wisconsin, to play a free game that I developed specially for the occasion. I prompted my 100,000th visitor, a divorced 40-year-old engineer from Idaho, to check out a free service I set up specifically for him. A service that would allow him to meet single women in his area.

All three of these people declined and I didn’t take them personally. The internet is full of scams, and they were probably being cautious. You, on the other hand, were the millionth, and by declining, it makes you, well… a dick.

When you have a guest in your home, it is common courtesy to thank them for their company. Nobody would argue this. I’m the founder of I answer a lot of questions, but I’m going to let you give this one a shot: Why the fuck would you step foot onto my website, waste my bandwidth, and then leave so rudely? Try answering this: Do you think it’s funny to ruin a man’s life and additionally laugh at the fact that he is unable to return the MacBook to the Apple Store? The MacBook computer that was intended for YOU?

You betrayed my trust, IP ADDRESS:, and the day we meet shall be your last,

Oh one other thing- did the website load quickly enough? I’ve been dealing with some bugs.