Asian Masculinity: Becoming Kasanova Part I
How to become a lover of a woman or women

“First love can be your last but it can also be your first heartbreak. Both will change your lives forever.”
What is love?
Love is effort. Love is pain. Love is joy. Love is emotions. Love is memories. Love is smiles. Love is experience. Love is anything you want it to be.
But also Love is literally chemicals, hormones, scientific elements of brain and the body working together to give you a high.
So what is it?
Love is both science and emotions. It can build or destroy you. But the most important thing is you can choose whatever you want it to be. Here is how I defined my own love:
I fell HARD for a girl in 5th grade. She went to the same school as me and I remember seeing her from afar. Love or infatuation at first sight. She also went to the same church as me. I remember every time I was near her, I got butterflies, my heart jumped a beat, I smiled uncontrollably, and I always got anxious. But that feeling of good anxious like anticipating presents Christmas Morning….
But she was also the girl who cried because I liked her (see My Body, My Dream Part I). I couldn’t sleep thinking about her. Every time I saw her with a guy, I felt indescribable pain in my heart. I felt like an idiot for not going up to her and asking her out. I felt so emasculated that I couldn’t ask her out on a date. I remember one of her ex-boyfriends treated her like shit and cheated on her, and yet I was the only person who told her to stay with him so she can be happy.
This went on from 5th grade until 9th grade, freshmen year of high school. I liked her from afar, going to bed every night visualizing moments where God will set up a situation where can be together. I created scenarios like snowstorms get us stuck in church together while we are waiting for a parents, being in the same class together in school, or just being in the same area as her. I used to create imaginary situations where we sit down and talk, get to know each other.
And then finally, going into freshmen year of high school, I became her BEST FRIEND. Yes BEST FRIEND. FRIEND ZONED HARD. We were at a church event and I think it was New Year’s Eve. Everyone was inside getting ready for New Years’ service but there was an hour to kill. So I asked her to take a walk and wanted to talk to her.
This was THE MOMENT, I thought. I was going to tell her everything. I was going to tell her how I liked her since fifth grade. I was going to tell her how I tried to find out what classes she was in or what church events she attended. I told her how I used to think about her every day….literally every single day. I wanted to tell her I would do everything to make her happy. I wanted to tell her how when she was around me, I tried to act a fool or crazy so I can get her attention, even if it was super embarrassing. I wanted to tell her everything and confess my true feelings for her.
THIS WAS THE MOMENT. Stars were out. The weather was calm. It snowed in the beginning of the week so white pure snow surrounded us This was meant to be. We start conversing….and just as I was about to tell her “(Name)…I like…..”, she goes:
“Danny, you are such a good friend.”
All those visualizations, all those nights thinking about her, all those scenarios where I created of being with her….gone. Poof. None of that shit mattered. Because the only way I was going to have her in my life was as a friend. And you know what, as long as she is in my life, I decided I can still be happy. I may never be with her but I can make her smile, I can make her happy afar as her….friend.
So I told her, I promised her, “I am going to be the best friend you ever had. I’ll always be there for you.” I’m actually cringing as I write this because I knew how hard and painful it was for me to say this to her. I made a promise to her…a promise to only be her friend. It destroyed me, it hurt me, and it fucking sucked. But honestly, I liked her so much that if I can be part of her life and make her happy that way, that’s all I needed.
From Junior High to senior year of High School, I decided to become the best male friend she ever had lol. I listened to her stories with her boyfriends, I supported her when she wanted to be back with them, and I even throw her a surprise birthday party for her.
However, the clearest memory I have is when she broke up with her boyfriend and I saw an opportunity for me to take her out and just be one on one with her. I’ll be real honest, I still wanted to go on one date just one moment where I was alone with her, even as friends. So I mustered up all the courage I had and I asked her out for ice cream. She told me sure but….I had to ask her ex if I can take her out. At that time, it made sense to me because even though she wasn’t with him, she still likde him. I agreed but she wanted me to do it by phone and she had to be on the phone while I asked him. However, he couldn’t know that she was on the other line. It was going to be a three way call with her on the line secretively.
So I called and asked him “Hey man, this is Danny. (Name)’s friend. I was wondering if I could take her out for ice cream, if that is okay with you.”
And he replied, “Dude, why are you fucking asking me. Ask her. I am not with her anymore. Don’t call me ever again. Be a man and ask her yourself.”
He hung up on me and there I was….broken. My masculinity was gone. It was zero. I had no pride in myself, no self-confidence, and I hated the man I was. My friend thanked me for doing what I did but she told me she doesn’t want to go out for ice cream because of the break up. She hung up.
From that point on, I gave up all hope being with her. I thought being her best friend, being the best friend I can be was going to help me with her. Everyone still knew I still liked her and even her friends told her. But she always told them Danny is my best friend and like a brother. I gave up all hope…being with her.
Near the end of senior year of high school, she and I did become really good friends though. She listened to any relationship problems I had, and we did get really close. However, there was never a man to woman vibe. With only couple of months left in our high school career, the smell of spring was in the air. At the time, she didn’t have a car, and the guy she was dating wasn’t willing to drive her home anymore. She asked me so I said sure. I started driving her home.
Then one day, she asked me if she can do her homework at my house. I told her, “Umm…okay but I am going to nap.” Even Love does not mess with my naps.
This went on for couple of days and I remember us getting to know each other better. Yes, moments where my feelings creeped back up but my painful memories reminded me not to. Then, my guy friends started to tell me that they think she is interested in me. We also had mutual girlfriends and they said the same thing. I refused to believe it until I did start to notice it. She started to invite me to one on one stuff.
The moment I realized that she was interested in me was when she invited me to a car auto show with her mom and her little brother. At first, I thought her girlfriends didn’t like that stuff so she invited me but I found out she invited me first. After that, everything changed…
We started to hold hands in the car. We started to do everything together. The best memory was when we both had orchestra rehearsal (she was a flute player…we were so Asian) and I had to drop her off earlier. My practice was a little later and I remember dropping her off. And then I asked her to give me a peck, like a light kiss on the cheek. And she did! And I was like fuck it, I am going to point to my lips…..and SHE DID!
I remember driving so fast, my heart racing, and jumping on my parents’ bed. I threw my face in the pillow, screaming in joy, and just being HAPPY. All those years of imagining this moment, thinking of it every night, I finally got to PECK HER on the lips lol.
The final two months, till this day, were the most memorable two months of my life. Everything I wanted to do with her since the fifth grade I did: I brought her flowers, I walked with her to class, I held her hands, I gave her gifts, and I set up romantic events from what I saw in Korean drama and Rom Coms, and most of all I took her…on that ice cream dateJ.
The day before graduation, I sat down and finished my list of 100 things I like about (Name). I remember watching this list in my favorite romantic comedy “Just Friends” with Ryan Reynolds.
I finished the list and I wrote the last sentence:
100. The final reason I like you is because I LOVE YOU.
My flight was early in the morning (my university, Air Force Academy, started basic training on graduation day) and my dad drove me to her house around 5 in the morning. I dropped off a gift with my list inside. It sucked missing my graduation but the worst part was missing her.
However, I had hope that we were going to write letters back and forth during my training. I had hope that once I come back on Thanksgiving break from University, we will be back together. I had hope that I will come back in uniform with flowers in hand and surprise her. I had hope that she was going to be at my ring dance as my date and celebrate my commitment to be an Air Force Officer together. I had hope…
After basic training, when I received my laptop from my school, the first thing I did was go on Facebook so I can message her. And just when I was about to message her….her bio stated “In a relationship with (Name)”. She was back with the same guy who I had to ask to take her out for ice cream. The same guy who she talked about constantly on the surprise birthday party I set up for her, inviting all her friends to her house, blowing balloons up, and planning everything. That same guy who did not know how special she was.
That night, I experienced the worst pain of my life. Heart break is a pain that is very hard to describe. It is not a physical pain but an internal pain of….like I said, can’t describe. It is a pain that I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. However, I am so thankful that I went through this pain because it made me the lover I am today.
February 2, 2016 is the actual day I finally moved on from her. I sent her a message on Facebook, the same message I wrote on a letter that I burned and didn’t send to her because I was scared. She replied with the basic gist of the message stating, “Danny, I never felt the same way about you.”
From September 2008, when I got my heart broken, to January 2016, when I finally got closure and ready to love again is where my journey starts.
For 8 years, I tried everything to get her back and failed. However, by failing, I met amazing women, experienced awesome relationships, and started to believe in love again. This series “Becoming Kasanova”, will talk about my journey on how I became the man and the lover I am today. 8 years of transformation, success, and failure that I hope adds value to your journey.

“The Sweetest pleasures are those which are hardest to be won” Casanova
Suggestions for your journey:
- Basically, do the exact opposite of what I did haha:
- Get closure right away. If you are going through a heartbreak, it will hurt even more getting official closure. But you need to get it so you do not use your time loving someone who will never love you back
- If you do believe she is the one, tell her that right away. Set the woman to man frame right away. Friend zone is the worst thing you can be in. Feeling of rejection goes away. Feeling of regret never does
- If you truly do still love the girl who does not love you back and still believe she is the one, focus on becoming and creating the best version of you. She rejected your current self which is a work in progress. Work on becoming the best man you can be and try again. If she rejects you then, move on. She is not the one.
- Know your definition of love. For example, do you believe in soul mates, loving multiple women at the same time, love at first sight, or whatever. No judgement. It is your life so define what your definition of love is.
