Reviewing my first book of the year.
I can’t recall the last time I was so glued to a book that I spent almost all my free time on it till I got to the last page. But that’s not to say that everything about it was perfect. In fact, I myself don’t even know why I’m so drawn to it — maybe it’s because the topic is one I can highly relate to, maybe I have a subconscious desire somewhere that wanted to find reasons to stay alive, or maybe I just got motivated to finish my first book of the year. Whatever the case might be, the book now lies on my messy table, untouched for almost a month since I finished it, and I figured that maybe I can extract some more value out of it by sharing what I think about this book.
But first off, two disclaimers:
- I am by no means a credible figure in any field. So whatever I said could be heavily biased towards my own experience and understanding, which is to say, you should take whatever I said with a grain of salt. However, I hope you can still find this article somewhat helpful.
- I will write what I agree and disagree with the author. That being said, it is still his experience, and it’s important to know that just because we perceive reality differently, doesn’t nullify his experience, and doesn’t nullify ours.
A relative of mine gave me the book when he found out I have depression. I personally am struggling to find reasons to continue on, and I seriously doubted that any book would help me. But I picked up the book regardless, I didn’t really know why either. And like I said earlier it didn’t take long before I disagreed with the author. But as with any book, it’s almost impossible to agree on every opinion of the author, and the best course of action is to finish reading to get more context instead of jumping to conclusion quickly.
The book did captivate me. I kept turning page after page, reading Matt’s journey with his mental illness. I do like the way he described his experiences, although I kind of wondered how he (and a lot of other authors) could remember that many conversations with other people. But I guess that’s just me having poor memory. Anyway, it certainly helps that he structured the book into small chapters, each with a distinctive title. Sometimes I would visit his childhood, sometimes I read his reflections, sometimes I see him recounting his battle…
I was especially touched by the part where he gave answers his parents wanted to hear, when they checked in on him. While he didn’t explicitly mention it, I assume that for many of us who tried to be strong, being asked whether we are okay by our own dad and mom awakens the realization that we are still our parents’ children. Granted, not everyone has caring parents (more on that later), but I could resonate because I was asked this very question by my parents once too. And like him, I gave an affirmative answer, even though it was a lie.
We also had a lot of important reminders in the book — I largely agree on the chapter where he brought up statistics, the rise of depression and suicide is something that a lot of us still aren’t aware of. There’s also a chapter on famous people who suffer, which I think is important to show that being rich and famous does not completely eliminate the possibility of getting depression. He also provided a perspective on suffering from depression as a man. Not to disregard or downplay any woman’s pain, the author noted how gender stereotypes could prevent men from seeking help. The author wrote a chapter specifically on it, which I wholeheartedly agree, though I would say it’s a very tricky thing to address.
Towards the end of the book there are also books the author recommend (in fact he used books as part of his healing journey), and though I didn’t even know most of the books listed, I appreciate the recommendation and would consult the list when I run out of ideas for my next book to read.
When I saw the book’s title, naturally I thought reading it would help me find reasons to stay alive. Perhaps part of the reason is because we already know the ending — the author made it pretty clear that it was a battle in the past, and he is in a better place now. Hence this book, or any book, will always have an unchanging ending, good or bad. And an experience recounted in hindsight carries a much different weight than one where the future is still uncertain. So it’s not very reassuring to hear from someone who already “made it”. In the book, depression and anxiety are viewed as liars, but to me, it’s more complicated than that. What you view as absurd now was your reality back then. I have seen a lot of actual f*ck ups due to depression and I wouldn’t necessarily call them a lie. Even if they are, the consequences of that lie can be as real as they get.
I would argue that the sufferings were also too lightly written. Of course, each of us experiences pain differently, but I wouldn’t have the guts to tell people that “depression makes you unbearably painful, but being in pain means you’re alive…” More like the amount of pain makes me want to escape that feeling of being alive. The book seemed to follow a certain formula: The author had anxiety but conquered the fear by stepping into a store, went for a run and therefore felt better; travelled and therefore prove to himself he’s capable; confided in someone about his feelings; read and felt less alone, etc. Call me biased, but I find insufferable pain in the smallest of steps, I dread doing anything at all, and I feel incapacitated by myself, which makes me hate myself even more. And in those few things that I somehow pushed myself to do, most of them didn’t work out, which made me even more demotivated.
I am extremely lucky. Born in a country not plagued by wars, into a family where my parents love me (for now at least) and I could afford therapy still. So I can understand if some of my readers can’t resonate with my experience. The same thing applies to the author — It was quite clear that he has a loving partner who’s even willing to support him financially when he’s suffering from mental health issues, which is something that, to a lot of us, including me, could never hope to have. He also seems to be financially well off enough to travel, when a lot of us are at risk of losing our only source of income. Love from family, friends and partner, financial security and physical health can all impact mental health significantly, but it appears the author is not suffering from those, and could focus on recovery entirely.
There are also some things I’d like to point out:
- The author doesn’t seem to emphasize on the role medication plays. This is normal, as medication is not for everyone, although for a lot of other people, it’s life-saving.
- The same goes to therapy. Not everyone will find it helpful, but it has helped a lot of people cope better with their issues.
- Not sure if it’s just me, but a lot of what the author described as depression looks more like anxiety to me. But I don’t really care about labels, it’s apparent he wasn’t doing well mentally at one point.
Overall, this book provides no convincing reason for me to stay alive, as it’s written in hindsight but it doesn’t answer the question: “why suffer in unbearable pain when I can die and enjoy blissful void?” But it doesn’t mean it’s a bad book, but rather I would say, it’s not the book for me. One brutally honest remark: “Depression can be much darker, but then again someone at that depth of darkness probably won’t have the capacity to write a book that’ll be a bestseller anyway.” That being said, I’m sure it has helped, and will help someone else. Thank you Matt, for sharing your experience with the world.