Yay, I’m back with part 2 of the story.
Allow me to show off something:
Is this extraordinary? Probably not, millions of other people have better stats than I do. I still get compliments from people, though — I guess a small win is still considered a win. Some people congratulate me, yet they probably did not see how incredibly difficult it is to pull through and get to where I am today.
In the beginning gym sessions are incredibly torturing. I already have a lethargic and weak body from depression (due to lack of sleep, poor nutrition, etc.), and coupled with severe lack of exercise itself throughout the years, my strength, stamina, and endurance just aren’t there. I really wanted to escape and honestly, just die at that time. If recovery is going to be that hard, why do I even bother trying? I mean, I have even heard from other depressed people that exercise won’t pull me out of depression, so what am I even trying for?
See, I’m writing what I was thinking at that time. Probably a lot more was going on but I couldn’t really recall them all. Two points I want to make here:
- A lot of what’s going through my mind is really preventing me from exercising
- BUT from the outside, you’ll only see a sitting person (possibly crying) wanting to give up before even trying
Obviously, if it’s causing so much pain, why would I even persist and push through? Why do I choose working out over other things? There’s obviously something missing I did not mention (like I said in Part 1).
See, back in July last year I was on the verge of giving up. Somehow, a friend of mine who’s also going through a hard time invited me to stay over. I did, but I wasn’t expecting anything to change. However, he showed me that despite the hardships he’s facing, he was constantly trying to get himself to a better place. Sure, he did not have severe depression and he had not suffered from emotional distress as long as I did, but that became an advantage — he didn’t have the excuse of “giving up because nothing he tried worked and he’s tired”. He’s still trying to get well, and he brought (more like dragged) me along to whatever he’s trying.
At that time, he was doing lots of stuff — hiking, camping, meeting new people, and of course, working out. He went to the gym five times a week, and I sort of tagged along. To be honest, I was kind of angry at him at one point, because he kept asking me to do stuff I didn’t think will be of any use. Why couldn’t I just lie down in bed all the time? Why force me to do things against my will?
But I suppose having that support and company changed some tiny part in me, and looking back now, I think that matters a whole lot. I accompanied him to the gym, having totally no idea what I should do and I just followed whatever he asked me to do. I remember the first exercise we did was squat, and I couldn’t even squat with weights. And even without weights, after a few times I was already feeling dizzy and I went to the toilet, almost puked. It was uncomfortable as hell. Regardless, I still did what he asked me to do, feeling the complete opposite of happy. They told me that exercise will cause your brain to produce more of whatever happy neurotransmitters and chemicals but I felt none of those. I only felt like dying.
Such torture continued for two weeks, then it’s time for me to go home. Before leaving, he told me to just “continue what I was doing” when I was with him. And I did. But again, not as easy as it sounds. See, I didn’t go home and the next day I was ready to go to the gym. No. I think I struggled for a few days before going to the gym again.
So yes, I’m forever grateful of that friend who somehow pushed me, whether or not he has realized this. And now, I’m trying to be that person for other depressed folks. Now, that does not mean that I agree that exercise can cure depression, or that you should show your friend this article and tell them to go exercise because I did it. I do think exercise will help, but I think the more important component here are support and patience.
Looking back, sure, that mini momentum started by my friend is surely a big factor, but it still isn’t the complete story, I feel. Without him dragging me, and with little motivation going on, I think there are still other pieces of the puzzle that eventually changed my lifestyle from a sedentary to an active one, but I’ll leave that for Part 3.