Clocks and Watches: Ban These Hell Compasses

Today the time is everywhere. This wasn’t always true. Knowing the precise time was once the exclusive right of kings. Accurate timepieces were status symbols. You didn’t need a Rolex. You would just say, “It’s 2:25. I have a clock” and people would go, “Yes, sire, now do you want us to paint you another selfie or continue sucking your toes?”

Now, the exact time in digital form is common to the point of disrespect. Julius Caesar went from ruler, to a type of baby removal, to salad dressing. Time went from the rare metric of aristocracy to a microwave screen. The church bells ring and we all say, “Yes, we know. My shitty oven told me.”

Bizarrely, we teach our children to read old-fashioned clocks, the circle ones. Perhaps you’ll know them for their unique property of being ubiquitous, shitty puzzles.

“Read the time from right to left, left to right, up to down, down to up. I’m a clock. Fuck you. It’s short hand on 2 and long hand on 10 so is it 1 or almost 3? Multiply. Think. Deduce, my good bitch.”

Clocks are chronic anachronisms and nightmare contraptions. They have the UX of being dropped in a labyrinth with a minotaur. They should be systematically collected and destroyed along with bar soap, tea, butter cookies, and guys named Travis.

Clocks consist of an orgy of design concepts. Clocks are a gang bang. They use many lines going different directions with no real respect to the recipient. Time is a cold and unyielding force. Clocks are dicks on purpose.

Yet some people still wear watches.

The argument for watches in a world where the time is everywhere is thin. It’s said that checking your watch is more smooth than picking up your phone and shining blue light all over your face, say at a fancy party. Much like clocks, the watch continues to exist because people are too polite to get rid of it.

Clocks and watches are society’s ‘kid’s painting on the fridge.’ They’re not very good, they don’t make sense, and yet we say, “Wow, he made that huh? How old is he? 5? Very good for someone constrained by every aspect of progress.”

Yet there people are, sporting their fancy watches. Walk around any major city and you’ll hear people impressed by watches, saying things like, “Is that a Rolex? Wow you must be rich, having all that time to check the time. 1:50, you say? Wow, a clairvoyant. Me, I just carry around my microwave.”

Unfortunately, it appears that time, clocks and watches are here to stay. It’s exhausting to respect the little number we call when, but at least we all have 4000+ devices that track it. Good at least, until the power goes out and suddenly they all agree it’s exactly midnight… midnight…midnight.

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