We Will Make You a Part Timer

Disciplinary action taken by management toward Stomach

Dear Stomach,

It has truly been a pleasure having you on the team. Your work (along with other team members) brought this company from a tiny, borderline parasitic entity, to a still-pretty-pathetically-sized full grown human being. Recall, that due to the way our infrastructure is set up here, you are quite literally a vital part of our office. For that, we thank you.

That said, you are not being a team player. Everyone — and by that I mean everyone —Brain, Liver, Kidneys, Muscles, Legs, Arms, EVEN THE TONGUE, are 100% on board with the new plan — which is eat better, healthier food. Yet, you are not. Let’s go over a brief list of infractions:

1. Convinced the team to get a falafel sandwich after everyone had had dinner AND you know that that passes right through you into Intestine — plus he was off that night and well, you catch my drift.
2. Repeatedly talking to Brain about pizza. No more pizza. It’s nutritionless and just because it is a dollar doesn’t mean this company can afford to eat it. This company is trying to get lean. This company is not getting assets. It needs assets. Ass-ets.
3. Trying to get Legs to go into that admittedly sexy, minimalist diner during lunch at work. That’s just insane. Hollaindaise is not a mid-day snack.
4. You cannot eat a bar of butter (ever) so stop trying to Hands to play that game every time he reaches for the lite salad dressing. That was a one-time thing that Brain initiated as a creative project. It is not a meal.
5. Stop making noises at inappropriate times. Unrelated to the central problem, but it’s still weird and annoying. No one else does this.
6. Online purchasing of a 36. oz jar of Nutella is never going to happen. You almost got Brain to participate, but Hands put the kabosh on it. Stop.
7. Working with Heart to make fluttering happen at thought of a large, chocolate Frosty.

Look, Stomach, this company needs you. Not because we want to, but essentially this company was poorly thought out and depends on you for maintaining energy levels — pretty stupid since if things were up to you, this company would nap all day. We already tried that from January to March when Brain lost us our job. That was your time. Now it’s time to move forward.

Here’s the thing, if you don’t shape up, we will shift you to part-time by going on a juice diet. All juice. Can you imagine? No solid things. That would be a bummer, huh? Liver and Kidneys are drooling for you to fail…well, not drooling, only Mouth can drool, but you get the point.

Don’t make us keep our promise,

Brain