I decided to go to Ostrava for the movie festival spontaneously two weeks ago and requested at two couchsurfers’. One of them accepted me and as it goes in life sometimes, it ended up differently than expected. He was so kind, so inspirational, so vegan and anti-car based. I felt safe and happy with him. I spent two days full of the happiness in Ostrava.
Two happy days in the anxiety valley that started to happen shortly before I left Brno. I had known I need to be sad at that time. I wasn’t initially. It made my hormones of the happiness crazy and my mood was very volatile for the next week. I fell into the sadness suddenly after saying a good joke. I was getting to bed with tears in my eyes every night, waking up not refreshed. I wanted to feel wanted, I wanted not to be alone, I wanted not not being happy.
When I returned from Ostrava, I felt love. However, it was crush, not the love. It could have been turned there, but that would need both-sided cooperation. As I wanted to feel wanted, I got this feeling exactly once: after the call with him. But afterwards I was left alone with my doubts. And that is the worst land for a creative anxious crushed person.
Mirka took me out at Friday night and we had quite a good time with another friend of ours. Unfortunately, after the friend left, all the world’s problems fell on my shoulders and I though I start to cry right on the street. But before we left the pub, I texted him with a simple message: “the next Friday is the light.” When we got home, I sate something and my mood has improved a bit. At that time I opened my phone and read a message from him: “c’mon, I went to Olomouc after all.” I knew what did it mean. Into Olomouc has moved his ex-boyfriend. At that very time I knew it was over, there was not going to be another act. At that time I got a hysterical attack, that was not appropriate, but adequate, I guess.
At the next morning, waking up in a grey world, did I realize that another story has been finished and I should move on. I didn’t feel the anxiety anymore, but the emptiness. Endless grey emptiness, lethargy and refreshing indifference. The crush was gone, like completely. No more expectations.
Barely was I able to continue in the thesis, but I felt quite okay. I told myself that I will reduce consumed alcohol and social media, since I was drinking every night and checking if I don’t have a new message from him on some network. I started to feel free. No alcoholic thoughts, no neurotic openings of social apps, just the reality of known.
However, he was still supposed to come to Brno to visit me and spend with me two days of a vegan feast. I decided to message him in a neutral-o-positive way: “hey, so when is your train coming at Friday?” He didn’t respond. I knew why. As I don’t have facebook in the phone, I was not able to check his reply during the next day, and I made myself patient. When I got home, there was waiting a message saying “Sorry, I won’t make it. I am not in the best mood to enjoy it.” Okay, fair enough. I see. Unfortunately, I expected the end like this. Enjoy, anyway.
NOS TRA DAN MUS — that’s just who I am. I knew.
I would say the whole story for him was a walk of shame. I wanted to be open to him, but it ended earlier then I was able to. Being honest is one of my core values, but sometimes the fear of refusal is stronger.
Actually, as I have already been sad, I’m not feeling bad at all. On the contrary, I keep laughing, writing poems, blogs, frankly enjoying the night even if I don’t write the thesis.
I don’t hate him. Nothing really happened. I hate one-nights, because they always make me feel hoping. It is not the fault of counterpart, but of my expectations. If I was the catalyst of him realizing that they belong together with his ex (they spent five years together), I’m happy with it.
Also, another naive part of me has died again, I started to be a bit more cynical, but in the long term… I think, I will be more immune to kiss another guy.
