Elon Musk Announces Tesla Model 5: Ultra-Affordable and Mandatory

Last week in Norway, Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla Motors, hinted that the Tesla Model 4 would be obtainable by nearly everyone: “With fourth generation and smaller cars, we’ll ultimately be in the position where almost everyone can afford the car.”

Not to be outdone by himself, Mr. Musk quickly followed that up by explicitly stating that the Tesla Model 5 will be something that every single person on the planet will be able to afford.

“I’ve disrupted the payments industry, energy industry, space industry, and traditional car industry,” Mr. Musk said at a press conference in front of a Toys “R” Us store at the Pacific Commons Shopping Center in Fremont, California. “With the unprecedented demand of the Model 3, we’re going to front-run the anticipated guttural cries for the Model 4 by launching the Model 5 today and disrupt a whole new industry at the same time. (Emphasis added.)

Mr. Musk opened his hands — which had been empty during his perfectly timed, well planned, and subtle gesticulations — and, like magic, revealed a small model car in each, appearing to be scale models of the Tesla Model 3.

“Kind of accurate die-cast scale models of the most affordable expensive cars in history. This is the Tesla Model 5.” Mr. Musk beamed. “We realized a few days ago that it’s not clean energy and reliability people want in a car. It’s the Tesla name. It’s my no-nonsense brand of leadership they crave. It’s that Silicon Valley Cowboy/Playboy Disruptor Mystery Pal Spaceman vibe people really look for in a car. They don’t need to actually drive it places.”

He then sensually slid a silk sheet from a table supporting a set of two very small car tracks. As he gently dropped a model car onto each track, they shakily slid down, tiny plastic wheels rattling quietly. He went on, “They come in not one, but two colors: red and blue. We will be offering an optional set of wheels that will universally work with pinewood derby tracks — we’re not just disrupting the Matchbox car company today: the Cub Scouts are in the crosshairs, too. Tesla decals are required and not removable.”

The audience burst into rapturous applause, some — including this reporter — falling into laughing and dancing fits of intensity not seen since the Dancing Plague of 1518.

“These are available today. It’s amazing what you can get made in China through Ali Express. The waiting list, which opened 8 seconds ago, is currently at 15,121,455 humans. We are ensuring that everyone on earth gets a Tesla Model 5, whether one is desired or not.” Most of the audience at this point spontaneously combusted. “Owning a Tesla should be a requirement, not a privilege.”

Mr. Musk shot dreamy glitter beams out of his eyes, grappled onto a rope ladder next to him, and was spirited away by the sleek and silent helicopter to which the ladder was attached.