Weekly Roundup: Pearing it down

One day after returning from Thanksgiving, was back on a plane for work. Back again yesterday, and here are some residual things on my mind:

  1. Basket Case. I received a Harry & David catalog today. Never bought from them, but have received from them. If you’re not familiar, Harry & David is a catalog-based company that’s the go-to for a business sending someone a thank you basket of very ripe pears just short of including a card that says, “NOW YOU EAT ALL OF THESE GODDAMN PEARS IN TWO HOURS BEFORE THEY ALL GO SOGGY AND GRAINY IN THAT WEIRD PEAR WAY. And thanks for your business this year!!! (Also, there’s some flavorless shortbread cookies in here somewhere.)” Nothing against pears. I mean, they’re not the demon seed fruit that apples are. But don’t send me 8 pounds of perfectly ripened shove-this-in-your-face perfection. Know what would be nice? Some very green bananas. Rock hard avocados. Dennis Miller from the 80s before he went all what he is now. Give me something to ripen on my terms, not a basket from your autocrat fruit friends, Harry and David.
  2. True Value. If you want true awareness of mortality, you’ll discover it when you stop watching a free movie on an airplane even though it’s the only one in the library you haven’t watched yet but just too horrible to keep watching. Thanks, Suicide Squad. I’ll sit out the next four hours in silence realizing I’ve netted out some living by doing nothing.
  3. Power Play. Having traveled twice in the last week, for hotels that nestle power outlets snugly behind oversized and immovable headboards: Go fuck yourself.
  4. Not So Super. Continuing my decades-long study, I have concluded that the guacamole/cheese/sour cream combo that makes up a Super Burrito is not super. Sour cream makes a burrito inadequate, failing, soggy loafish. This is based on science.
  5. Goodbye 2016? I know I keep saying that 2016 can die in a fiery car crash (or whatever vehicle years travel in (time??)). But, oh man, I’d rather cling to 2016 like a toddler’s scalp on lice than have a single peek into 2017. Let’s get this time travel thing down, like October.

Hey! Did you read the other thing I posted on Medium this week? It’s right here:


I occasionally write things here on Medium. You can listen to my sometimes dark but generally funny and useful Ask a Lawyer podcast, Unwonk, here. You are also welcome to read my Ask a Lawyer column in Deadspin here . I’m on Twitter here and here but still don’t understand why.