The Corporate Farewell as Mad Lib

Whether you’ve nimbly pivoted out of your going-nowhere-slowly job into something better, or you’re being hustled out the door in yet another corporate re-org, there comes a moment when you need to say goodbye.

The farewell email has become as cliché a part of corporate culture as coffee breaks and stealing office supplies. But between downloading corporate secrets and sneaking Swingline staplers into your handbag when the security guards aren’t looking, who really has the time to compose a thoughtful farewell?

No one, that’s who. So please allow me to handle that for you. Here is a customizable farewell missive, done as a Mad Lib, that will fit almost any situation. Just pick one of the three options for each blank and you’ll be good to go — literally.

Now when people remember you, they’ll remember how you gracefully you left, and not that time you did a face plant into the punchbowl at the office luau.

Dear __ [beloved/disgruntled/vaguely anonymous]___ colleagues:

Well, it’s that time. After ___ years I am finally leaving _____ Corp. It’s been an ___ [amazing/unnerving/out-of-body]___ experience.

I still remember my first day on the job. God, I was so ___ [nervous/excited/drunk] ___.

Very few people know this, but back then I had actually applied for an internship in the ____ [marketing/engineering/communications] ___ department. Thanks to a bureaucratic mixup, HR offered me the ___ [chief marketing officer/director of production/minister of propaganda] ___ position instead. Talk about a learning curve!

Still, I put my nose to the grindstone and my shoulder to the wheel, and in just 27 months we emerged with a ___ [master marketing strategy/suite of mobile apps/plan for global mind control]___ that ranked among the top 85 percent in the industry.

I couldn’t have done it without the help of all my ___ [brilliant/dedicated/borderline psychotic]___ colleagues here at ____ Corp. But I’d like to give a special shoutout to ___[Sanjay/Mahmoud/Jeff] and [Jeff/Mahmoud/Sanjay]___ in engineering, plus our comms team, ___ [Brittany/Britney/Bryttnee]__ and ___ [Christy/Kristy/Chrysti]___. You guys are the best.

In my brief time at ______ Corp., I ___ [learned so much/lined my entire office with Post-Its/brought the company to the brink of financial ruin]___. It is something I will always treasure.

See you in the unemployment lines,

____________

Dan Tynan has recently learned a thing or two about penning farewell letters.