Your Feelings Are Very Important To Us

Feelings Forecast — More Than A Mood Ring (TM) v. 3.4

Average rating: 4.1 stars

Update 3.4 locked and loaded! Give it a whirl, my friends!!

Bought this on a whim. Glitchy as hell, but was shocked to find it actually works! Don’t love the layout (same as the old one)

Definitely not worth the money. Creates more jealousy & FOMO, esp now that you can share with friends/frenemies alike on the app. Thumbs down. It was a much better app before it became a social media site.

I like to get baked and watch the colors whirl around while my mind takes me to new highs and LOLS. hehe. Not as fun as getting baked and playing StarHunt, but I’ll take it.


This used to be my favorite app. Used it constantly. Then the new update came and they automatically shared my forecast with my husband! No checking in with me. No box to click. No warning. Just up and sent a message to anyone I was friends with that they could now see when I was feeling down or excited that week. We were in the middle of another knock-down drag-out. I was telling him my plans for the week and he was becoming more and more agitated (I’m unemployed at the moment but looking). He wonders what I do all day. He kept asking questions about specific times of the day when my reading was pink. That made it clear. He’d been monitoring my feelings on the app! So he sees that every Thursday at noon, I’m feeling something close to the color of passion, and he flips out. “While I’m at work?!” he kept shouting. So what if I occasionally visit friends instead of sitting around this boring old house all day? I’d say that’s my business! I don’t know about you, but those are feelings I think you don’t need to blab about to everyone, and I wished there’d been some kind of disclaimer on the new update. Now all my friends know how I feel after we chat at yoga or how I actually feel before meeting them at Starbucks and my husband knows exactly what I’m thinking every f’ing second of every f’ing day so he can come home and grill me each night about what I do with my time, and why I hit Orange, Blue, and even a little Pink ;) while he’s not here. READ THE FINE PRINT! SOME THINGS SHOULD BE PRIVATE!!! The government or somebody should do something.

keeps crashing

Keeps fckin crashing every 6 fckin seconds. Can’t see anything.

New update sucks.

Don’t know how there could be this many negative reviews on something so simple to use. It’s never crashed for me and I used it last year during Hurricane Edward when the s*** really hit the proverbial fan and everyone’s forecast was blowing up. Wish there was a better layout. They haven’t updated how it looks since it started. Boring colors, no graphics. Not even an emoji? Come on, get with the times, bruh!

Honestly, I hadn’t used the app in quite some time, then I overheard a barista at my coffee shop one Sunday tell her friend that she had finally “drunk the Kool-Aid” and found that it helped her understand what she was really feeling when she met a new guy. I’d stopped using it out of boredom. What’s the point when it’s mostly all the same stuff, you know? But I’ve been single awhile now, and it had never occurred to me to use the app as an emotional safety net. Makes sense: you first meet someone, you want to know if you’re feeling that good kind of nervous that makes falling in love so fun (right?), or if the feeling is more of the RED FLAG variety nervousness and you’re right to follow your instincts and not go on a second date. LOL. Hah. The app should make a little red flag pop up when that’s the case!

I re-downloaded the app 2 weeks ago. I’d forgotten how nice it is! Felt just like the first time I opened it. Everything looked fine, as expected: Monday Gray: Groggy, White: Anticipation/Nervousness, Orange: Anxiety, Blue: In the Zone/Numb (what I guess most people feel during most of their workday after the initial thrill of seeing the welcome (and unwelcome! LOL) smiles of coworkers), Yellow: Tired/Relieved, Off-White: Anticipation, Red: Rage (uh oh! Must be another email from my boss! Ha.). Long story short: my workday is almost always like that. I have to smile through the whole thing because I’m the first person people see as they enter the building, and in many ways, I’m the face of the company. So I always smile, even if I’m stuck with the same six feelings all day. Gray, White, Blue, Gray, White, Blue. Over and over until I’m dead, right? (haha, JK). I always smile.

The app has taught me when I’m not at work, I have a rich and varied emotional life, and for that I’m forever in their debt. It’s hard to know if you’re feeling anything if other people aren’t around. That’s what I miss about Jen. Jen used to work next to me, and she always told me what I was going through because she’d been there before. She used to be just like me, she said. So she would toss out advice and these long stories about men in the office who had hit on her like she was telling me about a rude encounter with someone at the DMV. How frustrating it is for a beautiful woman in a male-dominated industry! I should know. Jen made me realize I was open and ready for a relationship. “You’re the Pandora’s Box they are curious about. You seem shy, but I know as well as they do, you’re a demon in the sack.” Hah! Can you imagine? She said any day now a suit was going to walk in, see me, and have to adjust his tie, he’s getting so steamed looking at me. Well, that never happened. But what did happen was Jen got promoted and worked directly with a manager on the 7th floor, the guy who always came in and rolled his eyes about needing to go to a little league baseball game that weekend instead of taking the two of us out. He was cute, but short. And any time he winked at me, I knew it was only because Jen had looked away from him. I don’t mind.

I thought Jen was wrong about the men being interested but right about me. On the outside, maybe I don’t look like I feel much, but inside there’s a lot going on. I took Jen’s words to heart and every day came in with a smile because I knew that deep down there was something big and chaotic stirring inside me. I was ready to be split open and pour out every bit of love I had inside me. Finding someone else who knew what was in there was the problem. No amount of smiling made any one interested. No tears did either. Everyone seemed to be doing their own thing and didn’t have time to chat about what was going on inside me.

Then the app came along and I felt as good as I had when I got to talk to Jen every day. (It offered a lot of Claire-ity, LOL) I could see. Even when I was simply heating up a Lean Cousine and scrolling through sitcoms I could stream while I eat, I had passion and desire that the app recognized. Sometimes at work you feel like the worker bee, full of fear and anxiety to make sure the Queen is happy. But at home I’m the Queen. A bright star, others allured or forced to revolve around. That’s my fantasy anyway.

In truth, the app showed me just how often I wasn’t feeling those BIG things. I wanted to feel BIG IMPORTANT things every day, but luckily the app slowed my roll. You can’t bring all the fierce passion of what you do at home to work. It would be chaos! So FF was there for me as a reminder to play it close to the vest. If other people wanted to know what I was going through, they could look at my public profile and see that at work, I’m fully Grey, White, Blue, and when I’m home, Pink, blue, green, surges of several feelings before bed. All week long, bland colors on the commute in, then a rage of bright colors on the commute home and all through the night. I was having a particularly good day. I wondered if Jen still used the app because nothing had been posted to her profile in a bit and I remembered this little tirade of hers about emotional intelligence being more important than book smarts and I was smiling (a genuine smile!)

because I felt good that I sometimes had Jen but I always had the app to tell me what I was feeling. Yes: Yellow, like the sun. I was beaming all morning.

Then I looked at Sunday.


Black? What the H does black mean? I’d never seen it before.

I thought it was a glitch. I texted my younger sister, Carol, and she said the only time she’d seen it was when our mutual, Katie, had a miscarriage very late in her pregnancy last November. I experienced an odd moment then. I can barely describe it. A mix of mild panic (Orange) then guilt (Purple) as I thought maybe the black feeling was related to some terrible piece of news like our parents dying, until the reality set in: our parents died 2 years ago in a car accident on I-80. Even when that happened, though (I’m not scared to admit it) I only saw a serene green on the app, which happens during sudden shock for some people, I’ve read. You shut down for awhile. But black? Nothing is darker than a death in the family, right? Even if the app says you’re not feeling that sad about the death, you know in your brain what you should be feeling. I know I’m a good person because I eventually cried at the funeral. FF doesn’t know everything.

I asked Jen if Black had ever come for her (though I’d seen Jen at her darkest moment, a bit of gossip she said she could only share with me: she had to get an abortion. I don’t know who the father of the baby was. Don’t know if she did either, LOL, all the same, that must have been a bad day for her and yet she acted like nothing had happened. Not even that day. No Black.) Jen guessed that it might be another terror attack but that doesn’t make sense because it would affect more people, and you would hear about it on the news before you even made the connection on FF because they legally have to release the info to the government immediately if everyone is feeling a darker mood at the same time or else we’d have a repeat of Kansas City. “You’re on your own, it looks like” Jen said and showed me her Sunday forecast, before — Hahaha — a text popped up at the top of her screen from a guy that said something to the effect of being so aroused by a photo she’d sent from the bathroom that no work would get done today. I asked if her Forecast was blushing Pink over this guy, and she flipped back to her present emotion with a little smirk: Gray.

I spent the afternoon at work Googling the support chats with FF’s Customer Service team and in all likelihood it was a fluke feeling that sometimes comes and goes based on your specific brain chemistry. I mean- that must be it! — There was lots of info about people who use psychotropic drugs and how that might alter the app’s outlook but I just laughed and said “Pills mess with the forecast? Well, of course! I’m the biggest pill in this building!” which got a little snort out of Jen when I told her.

As I searched Google the rest of the day, I noticed the time on the mysterious mood kept shifting on Sunday. Clearly, this was going to be a news event. Not a big obvious one, but the kind that made me feel all the more awful because no one else seemed to have seen the story. A missing pet. A shooting where less than 3 people died. Something small but full of irony, like a tree landing on an EMT who was only standing underneath it because someone misheard the 911 call that a tree had already fallen on someone and when the EMT arrives he looks around puzzled before becoming the victim himself. The news would have to be so devastating that it knocked out other feelings for the rest of the day. I went through all my texts, hoping maybe I’d find someone who alluded to being sick. I racked my brain for an answer. None of my friends are particularly reckless, and I wouldn’t see any of them for another two weeks when our book club met. I wouldn’t get any strange news about my own health on a Sunday unless I saw Doctor O’Malley at church and he suddenly diagnosed me with something. Unlikely. I already made it a point to stay home on Sunday evening and read instead of my usual wild night of staying in to watch HBO. Hehe. But seriously, I wasn’t going to tempt fate and leave the apartment. Whatever was going to happen, it wasn’t going to happen TO ME. That I knew for sure.

So, I went to work each day that week and tried not to think about it. Every night on the bus home, I couldn’t help but stare at the app. I didn’t think what I was feeling was anxiety so much as an excited anticipation… yet the forecast kept getting oranger and oranger every day. Anxious was apparently exactly what I felt. Good thing. Without the app I might not have been able to pin down the feeling.

Then it hit me: Jim.

Carol’s Jim, who’d married her and whisked her away from our shared one-bedroom. Her knight in shining armor. Jim, who rode his bike to work every day, and did, in fact, work on The Lord’s Day (at a bar, no less, haha. The sinner!). Jim, who I once thought had made a pass at me at a party (long before he’d met my sister, of course) but later explained I’d gotten the “wrong idea” and brought it up at their reception as a joke. Ha. The kind of drinker who could hide it well, then tell you the next day he was blackout, and it halfway made up for the stuff he’d said. I thought: “What if he hurts himself on that bike? What if someone hurts him at the bar. That would be……!”

By Friday, I was certain: Jim was going to die. My forecast changed abruptly the moment of the realization. Deep red panic for the next two days, until Sunday’s news.

I called Carol to tell her what I thought to be true at that moment. I’m not the kind of person who would sit on news like that. I’m good. I care about people. Carol laughed it off. “Nothing will happen to Jim. He’s sober now.”

I went to a few chatrooms that dismissed the app’s accuracy. Most of those rooms/forums are made up of rants about why you should delete it, how much the government mines the apps to find out everything about you, how scientists are using it for all kinds of nefarious purposes. Playing with sentiment levels while you watch videos of your friends’ babies, antagonizing world leaders, sparking sexual chemistry between unattractive people where there would otherwise be none. One person almost convinced me to delete the app altogether. She was a former psychiatrist with a podcast devoted to mental health issues and technology. I listened to a few episodes, but they only made me appreciate the app more.

I had no one to call on Saturday except Carol, and she graciously agreed to take a walk with me in the park to calm my nerves. I know it’s silly, but a stroll in the park can still do wonders for me, even when I’m alone. We swapped old Mom stories and chatted about work and “big life changes that come suddenly” and how you can’t try to control them, but you can control how you react. She’s so wise for a younger sibling. LOL! Carol told me she had a hot piece of gossip… “Good news, very good news” that she would call and distract me with Sunday afternoon. “Then, whatever this mood is will have to go away.” When I got home, and looked at my phone, the Black mood was scheduled to start at exactly 1:13 PM the next day.

I waited by the phone all morning. That is, I kept checking my phone to see if I’d missed a call somehow, even though I had the ringer all the way up. I didn’t want to miss a text or call from Carol or anyone else for that matter. It’s funny. No one waits “by the phone” anymore. You carry it with you. The phone, on desks and board room tables, charging in coffee shops, rumbling in pockets. The phones are always there waiting for us, following close behind, asking “what now?”

Check the phone I did. All morning until the dreaded 1:13 PM. The phone call I was anticipating didn’t come. Instead, Carol called at 1:20 PM. I tried to stop my voice from shaking. “Sorry I’m late…” she said, “Anything?”

“Nothing!” I shouted. She sounded too calm and happy to be calling with news of Jim’s death. It had become a foregone conclusion to me, but I didn’t tell Carol I thought so. Saying it out loud might make it actually happen, and then it would be all my fault for feeling it in the first place! I saw a flash of his sunken eyes and puffy face and his impossibly smooth back and shoulders I had once stared at as he drank orange juice in his boxers in our kitchen. He can’t be dead. He’s invincible. That thought was the worst-case scenario polluting my brain. Too many newscasts about violence. Too many true crime documentaries about the girl who walks home alone and never is heard from again. Too much fear. Too too much. That’s what put me in this Black mood: the worry. A self-fulfilling prophecy brought to you by the good people at Feelings Forecast.

“We’re pregnant!” Carol squealed.

I almost didn’t hear her, I was so in my own head.

“What’s that?”

“Pregnant. I’m pregnant. We’re far enough along that we’re telling family at least.”


“I know. I know. It seems like a lot to get into with our current job situations, but I think we’re ready. I’m ready.”

“Wow. Wow. Wow.”

My sister’s pregnant! Little Carol is pregnant! Can you imagine??? What terrific news!!!!!!!!! How could any sane person feel anything but joy when they get news like that?? It’s simply not rational. I must have been over the moon, I think. I must have felt a true shock of happiness for my sister because I didn’t even say anything for a minute while we were on the phone. I finally gathered myself and managed to say “Wonderful!” Such great great news!

No bad call ever came that day. The app is clearly not perfect because I wasn’t in any kind of mood at all. I was simply…stunned. I can’t imagine why the app did that except that maybe the feelings in me were so big and so full that the app got a little mixed up? Haha. Who know?s I’m so very very happy!!!

dumb, gay-ass app

I worked on the coding and interface for the recent update, and I can’t believe what they’re doing. I know this isn’t the best forum for this information but I’m posting everywhere to make sure people see it: Ever since the Kansas City bombing, and the subsequent UNCONSTITUTIONAL passing of the Foley Bill, the government has demanded to see how the CU algorithm works in FF. Much to my disappointment, the CEO caved and gave the FBI access through a backdoor in the app. Any feeling you have can be seen by anyone even if your settings are on “private.” Believe the Times report: THEY ARE SHARING YOUR DATA!!!

Sup, dudes? Jimmy here from FFHQ. We hope you’re as excited about this update for the app as we are. Maybe I’m biased but I think it’s the best one yet! Intuitive, accurate, beautiful. Feelings Forecast lets you see what feelings are on the horizon so you know what’s coming, and now with the Sharing is Caring add-on, you can see how your friends are at any moment. Using our patented Collective Unconscious computing technology, we can now predict what you’ll feel on any given week with 99.9% efficiency. This is a boon for mental health professionals who can now efficiently diagnose and treat people with mood disorders. Studies have shown time and again how useful the app is for reducing anxiety and stopping aggressive behavior before it occurs. The collected data we store is used solely to make the app better! The more people who use it, the more accurate we get! You’re part of something meaningful just by downloading the app! Whatever you’re feeling, you’ll feel more secure with us.


Comedian. Author. Fatter than I should be.