Edith, thanks for writing this. Trained politeness is absolutely one of the ways that we compromise our own feelings of safety, but I would also say that sometimes politeness is a protecting factor too. I would be afraid of retaliation if I said something to the guy staring at me at the gym, especially if I lived in the same building as him. Sometimes, speaking up and making “trouble” means we end up with harsher versions of sexual harassment. It might go from him staring at my ass, to him cornering me and saying nasty things about me, or worse. I’m not trying to make you fear even more, just saying that it’s such a complex issue it’s hard to know how to best navigate.

I’m wondering if you would be able to take a video of him doing this if it happened again in the future? Would you be able to hide it or would he be able to see the phone from his angle? It’s not something you should have to think about next time you walk in the gym, but that’s why it needs to be handled. The fact of the matter is that behavior like this is a stepping stone for a sexual abuser — he’s not innocently looking at you or the other girl, he’s thinking about what he might be able to get. It’s possible he’s taking photos or videos of people working out in the gym. As much as I completely understand not wanting to get him in trouble, if you see this behavior again, I’d say his gym rights need to be revoked or worse. Talk with management, and if they don’t take it seriously you might need to advance your complaints somehow. But getting some kind of proof might be helpful to your arguments.

I wish you the best in safety. You deserve to be able to keep your body healthy without worrying about sleazeballs at the gym.