Goodbye, ghosts and demons.
Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream — Alison Sudol
I can feel my past sliding off my back with each week into my journey of independence and self-sufficiency. It’s come time to say goodbye to so many things. Goodbye to my half-day Fridays. Goodbye to quiet days in the office. But mostly, I am beginning to say goodbye to memories that have haunted me most of my life.
I have begun saying goodbye to the lost loves and the unwanted admirers of my past. In my first long-term relationship, I spent ages feeling guilty over a friend who had confessed his affections for me that I did not return. For whatever reason, when affection is expressed towards me, I always feel the need to reciprocate in some capacity. This results in my becoming far too attached to people that I don’t actually intend or desire to ever date. But today, it is time to say goodbye. Goodbye to the boys I adored in high school. Goodbye to the men who fell for me in college. Goodbye to the dreams of what could be of men who made their affections known in adulthood. Goodbye to the boyfriends who left, and that ones I left behind. Goodbye to the boys in between when I was neither soulful nor considerate.
In my second long-term relationship, I felt guilty over the ex before. His dog had passed right before our relationship ended for good and I get the urge to text him every year on that day. I have also throughout the years, had the urge to text him and let him know just how great he was at particular times that I recall fondly. But now I can see, those are my memories. I don’t have to share how precious they are to me, and not with someone who probably doesn’t care to hear.

The time has come for me to appreciate that this life is mine. I don’t have to remember or care about you just because you loved me once. I don’t have to spend forever half in-love with you just because you were close to my family, or because you saw me at my worst. I don’t need to remember your birthdays or greet you in public. It’s done. We’re not exes, or old friends, we’re nothing. We do not exist, and I feel so relieved to know that.
