If I write myself down long enough, hard enough, will I finally be permanent?
I have always struggled with consistency. I take in so much information that my plans and opinions are always changing. I hate you this morning but it’s lunch now and I’ve learned 20 new things about the world and relationships and I’ve decided to alter my opinion.
It’s not a great foundation for friendships. People think I’m flaky and contrary. It always gets to a point where people start trying to tell me what I think instead of hearing me tell you what I’m thinking. “Yes, you say this, but last week…” Great. I know it was different last week. I’m sorry that I don’t have a standard that you can learn and calculate. I’m sorry that I’m a living breathing thing and I can change. Truly, I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be my friend. Loving life on Friday and so immobilized with moods on Saturday. All I can do is protect people.
If I tell you to stay away from me, do. If I tell you to come here, do. If I tell you to disappear and never contact me again, do. I know me, and while I’m not always aware of what I’m doing, I am aware of what I could do and I, to the best of my ability, put safety measures in place to prevent those happenings. It’s always when people stop listening to me that things go sour.
But maybe I wouldn’t listen to me either. I can’t know.