Parasitic and distorted

My brain went off the tracks for a bit today as I thought about the complete disconnect between who I am and how I present myself when an ex is involved. I have three ex-boyfriends. I dated all of them for over two years, spent two months in Europe with one, and dated one for nearly four years.

One of them is and will forever be one of my dearest friends, despite the fact that he knew my dog was dead and hid it from me for months. Don’t worry, I’m not holding a grudge. He is my match in wit and spite and I love to argue with him and would gladly attend children’s movies with him until I died.

One sent me a text in September of 2013 and told me he needed time and I have received one e-mail from him since then, two years later. I have apologized to him many times for the way things went and I remain close to a few of his relatives who I knew before him, and one that I met with him. I think of him very fondly, proud that he had gone on to become an accomplished person and continues to scale towards his potential.

One resides very near and I never see him or hear of him or about him. Which at this short time, is clearly the best.

What they all have is common is me, and brown hair. I am a terrible ex-girlfriend. Like, if we’re friends, please don’t ever date me because you will despise me as an ex. I cannot, repeat, cannot stop texting my exes. I have all three of their numbers permanently burnt into my mind. To be fair, the first one was on my phone plan. I got him his phone as a gift, so I’ll remember that. The others, god love ’em, I have just completely let down with my lack of self-control. I think the longest I have ever gone without texting…let’s call him Ghost, is six months. Oh, and I e-mail them too! Just in case my apologies aren’t getting through in text. But here’s the thing…they clearly aren’t worried about receiving the apologies and don’t seem to need anymore closure, so why am I apologizing to them instead of forgiving me? Also, especially as far as Ghost is concerned, he has accepted my apology. That was the one e-mail I got. I’m off the hook. So why do I feel adamant that I need to know we’re okay in some capacity. LET. IT. GO.

So anyway, I say this all to say that my challenge at present is trying new things. I played a sport the other day, and not one that I knew how to play already, and I played a game I didn’t already know. Now my goal is to stop making myself look like the most devastated and desperate woman in the world to the men who don’t love me. And yanno, saying they don’t love me seems strong. I think it’s just that they are in full acceptance of the fact that I am my own responsibility. So here, I’ve said it. I have announced my challenge to myself. I am a terrible ex-girlfriend and I want to fix it. And by fix it, I mean, leave everyone the hell alone.